All About Love

Forgotten For Good

Deep blue eyes jolted open in the midst of a deep night. The shining moonlight failed to eradicate the darkness in those eyes.

The emptiness was yet again eating her alive. The void in her memories as well as that stifling feeling in her heart was really uncomfortable. It felt like something really important had been forgotten by her.

Yes... she seemed to have forgotten someone. There were no memories of a person she didn't know but she still somehow knew there should have existed someone in her life with whom she had numerous memories. Terrible ones at that.

Why was it terrible? She didn't know. She knew instinctively that she should never try to get them back. Never try to fill that gap.

.....

Livia was a university student leading an ordinary life. Ordinary though it was, however she wasn't mentally stable person. She suffered from schizophrenia, always troubled by lifelike hallucinations. It was so severe that sometimes she wouldn't be able to tell reality apart from her illusions. As such she wasn't a sociable person, almost withdrawn from the rest of the world.

However, for the past few months, something was unusual. It was an eerie feeling of being watched. But no one would be in her sight when she would try finding the owner of that gaze. That may be a scary feeling, but it wasn't extremely uncomfortable. On the contrary it was oddly a peaceful feeling, as if the turbulent waves of her restless mind were gently soothed, becoming as peaceful as calm spring water, refreshing and tranquil.

Same as usual, she felt that gaze today as well. She was alone in the hallway of her department since classes had already started. As usual she tried to find the source but as usual, she still couldn't.

She would sometimes even wonder if her condition was getting so worse that she even felt gazes of her illusions in reality. After all, there was a very thin line between her reality and delusions that could be crossed at any moment. But that gaze was too real to be considered an illusion. Even for a person like her. The gentle soothing effect was inexplicable.

The more she thought, the more she fell into a daze. The gentle feeling was abruptly cut off as she stared at herself in the mirror she was passing by. Her thoughts were yet again messed up, without warning. Dazedly staring, she saw the up and down movement of her chest. Yes...she was breathing. She should be alive then. But she couldn't help thinking...

Why?

She saw her face slowly becoming expressionless, devoid of human feelings. Colder and colder, until that deep darkness enclosed the brightness of reality in her eyes. Again. It was happening again.

She didn't want to be reminded! She didn't want to see that chest slowly stop moving! Those breaths that made her other half, she didn't want to witness them slowly disappearing!

"Haa..haa....huff....huff....sob...sob.hic...sob..please....no...please..huff...I...don't...huff...hic....sob..haa.." It was becoming unbearable. She was losing, that someone whom she didn't know nor she could see. The pain was getting harder and harder to bear. She saw herself clutching her chest in the mirror which had trapped her in her delusions again. She was tired....her heart was getting ripped apart!

"Shh...I'm here...." Suddenly her ears heard a soft and placating voice. It was gentle and calming. That voice was oddly familiar but she still knew that she had never heard that voice as far as she could remember. Not even in her delusions. But she inexplicably associated the voice with that secret gaze that she often felt nowadays. She.....felt safe.

She was alive for that person.

She somehow found the answer as to why she was breathing but never felt alive.