All About Love

Letting Go Isn't Hard

“Here you go. The key to your shackles.” A mild and calm voice stated.
She handed over the divorce papers. Finally.

“Hmm.” No denial, no agreement. Just a sound of acknowledgement in a cold indifferent voice like it was finally how it should be.

He didn’t love her though she did. He very patiently waited for the day when she didn’t anymore. Why not take the initiative to break away? He couldn’t. Because of promises; because of responsibilities.

An orphan girl was handed over to him by her dying grandfather who hoped for happiness for her. And he didn’t decline. Not because he didn’t want to but because he couldn’t. Her grandfather was their family’s creditor and he needed to pay what his family owed. It didn’t need to be a marriage relationship as well. As simple as it should have been, somehow ended with him getting forcefully engaged.

“Hey, now. I should at least get a farewell smile, shouldn’t I?” She couldn’t help smoothing the atmosphere, interrupting his thoughts unknowingly. Seven years of facing an indifferent and cold expression 24/7…….hey, at least smile when you’re finally free, will you not?
However, he couldn’t. It was a complicated feeling. He felt guilty but there was also nothing to be guilty about. Their marriage was forced upon him by her. Though indirectly, but still. Her love was forced upon him. She even forced him to love her at one point. And he kept getting chained by shackles on shackles without a word. All maybe his fault or all maybe hers. All faults may also be of both of them or of none of them.

The old man’s last wish had changed to the engagement of his daughter to him instead of just being her guardian and yet again he had to agree. His family didn’t care for his opinions. He had no option. He was never given any. He just had to live for the girl’s wishes. He despised her. He resented her more when he had understood her intentions and got to know of her love for him. She just took advantage of the situation to bind her love to herself. Nothing else. And that kind of love disgusted him.

Nonetheless, he knew all this was finally over. He had someone he loved now. Someone he loved from the bottom of his heart. And she knew, finally letting him go for which he was probably grateful but still felt like it had to be like that.

There was nothing wrong but still something was wrong that will be wrong forever. After all, the lady in front of him did give her all to make him love her but he just didn’t. Never did and probably never will. Out of spite for their forced marriage; out of spite for her selfishness.
Seeing him still indifferently staring at herself, she smirked, “Whatever. Wish you a happy life, I guess.” Your life’s villain boss is finally letting you free and you don’t even have a hint of gratitude. So unlikeable……but……I hope you can finally be happy. It’s a pity the reason being ‘me’ lost the chance for a ‘will be’.
“I’m…….. sorry…….” She whispered looking at the back of the leaving figure. Tears rolled down her face silently as if revealing the moment when she let go of her love. Why couldn’t life just be over at the moment? It will probably be easier for her then. Ah….life was annoyingly long…..

But it’s a pity that she still had to be punished for her deeds. Punished with probably a silent and lonely lifetime. After all, she almost broke a person beyond repair. That also was the one whom she loved the most. Her love was a poison to him slowly killing him. What else could she do if not let go? She wasn't a person who selfishly disregarded others’ wishes but she had somehow become one when she hadn’t noticed it. In his love and for his love.

She remembered when she was asked by her grandpa if she was willing to marry. She didn’t think much and agreed as she knew the person she loved would probably never love her. Since that was the case she could just marry anyone. It didn’t matter. But who would have thought that her grandpa had arranged marriage for her with the very person whom she loved beyond sense?! She couldn’t have been any more elated!
However ice cold water had been splashed upon her expectations. That person had straightforwardly said, “I do not love you. This marriage is meaningless. Even if I know you from childhood I have only ever felt friendship for you.”

She had hastily interrupted, “But I like you! You can at least give me a chance to pursue you, right? I will put my utmost effort! "

Her confession might have stunned him. However he had cut her off coldly, “I can only see this engagement and marriage as a deal between us. Since your grandfather has done too much for my family, and I want to provide an assurance of your safety before he dies, I won’t decline this engagement. However I also can’t make it a normal arranged marriage as I have never had any intentions towards you. Hope you understand.”

“.......I understand.” What more could she say? But she was still determined and had vowed to give her best at pursuing him. He would surely come to love her seeing her sincerity. That’s what she had once believed. Who knew sincerity could never bring love? At least it didn’t for her.

She looked at the scars on her wrist. The stain of her madness. She didn’t even know who she was anymore. She remembered that day very clearly. She had mutilated her wrist out of anger, frustration, pain, grief and unbearable love. Four years into their marriage, she couldn’t bear that person’s indifference towards her.

Why was it that nothing she did was able to please him??!! Why??!! Had she not done enough??!! Why was it that she couldn’t even see a hint of love in his eyes for her?? Why?!

She waited for him every day. No matter the time. Every single day she had to face a desolated house without a hint of warmth. Every day she had to face the fact that there was no one for her in the world anymore. She was all alone, waiting for her beloved who never once had showed her any other emotion other than cold indifference. He didn’t even return home that often. Once a month was all the time she was ever given. But she still persisted. Somehow she still had still persisted to stay by his side……..
It was all futile. She hadn’t been able to bear it any more. But when he got to know of her deed, he did hurry back, but only had disdain plastered on his face. She had ignored his emotions and had asked him to love her, to hold her.

Forcefully still. That insane attempt was still in vain. It had been just the ‘snap’ of their already fragile relationship. The once a month visit also disappeared. Three years……..she didn’t even know why she had still stayed in that house for another three years.

But now she knows. All was her selfishness. She still would have persevered in vain had her hope had not been shattered mercilessly by him. As straightforward as he was, he had unfeelingly asked for divorce with a reason that couldn’t have been clearer. She had still put up a last minute struggle, “Have you never had, even in a single moment in these seven years, felt even a little bit of love for me?” The answer was still a calm and indifferent “No.”

She finally knew and had finally woken up. Fine enough. She was still not that insane to think that since she couldn’t be happy she wouldn’t let him be happy. After all, she loved him. And love wasn’t that.

So she finally let go. She was after all still human with feelings and emotions even if she had forgotten herself.

Since only letting go of him could make him happy, she did that. At least there was finally something she did that was finally a pleasing thing for him. Taking it that, it finally wasn’t that hurtful anymore. She had finally made him happy. At least once. Letting go finally wasn’t so hard……

Be happy.

…..But… let’s not meet each other ever again……