ARTIFICIAL

R E P R O D U C T I O N

Nathaniel

There's a word I've been thinking about, or more like I've been feeling it for the last couple of days and now marks nine days feeling it. The last time I saw my fiancé's face, filled with fear and teary from witnessing my anger. Even if she hardly witnessed my actual anger because I was just letting the alcohol get into my head. My anger isn't when I blow up at someone's face, that's something I hardly do.

My anger is violence. If per say a foolish person makes me beyond angry that I don't control my next actions, my actions wouldn't be hurting my furniture that didn't do anything to me, it would be killing whoever made me angry but with my bare hands and not a weapon. The kill never satisfies me when it's a weapon, because like I've said before. I want to be the last thing my victim sees before I take their life.

But then she was alarmed and once I was calm, my chest started to burn like I just swallowed a bag of burning coal. Now I know what the fuck this is and even I can't believe I am fucking feeling it.

The feeling is contrite.

A guilty feeling about something bad you have committed or done.

This is what I meant when I said my fiancé is bringing out feelings that I never even thought existed in my body. I've never felt guilty of doing anything in my life because I am completely aware and I lack empathy or any compassion because everything needs to go my way and my way only. Those types of emotions keep you away from the bigger picture.

Now I can't stop feeling, and even more so the look of my fiancé's fear is engraved with that thought. Last night I saw her sleeping in the theatre room, and she looked peaceful like that. With no worries, no smiling and no fear on her face. She just looked perfect, which is why the back of my hand ended up brushing the soft skin of her cheek just to feel her skin. I immediately shook my head after that, she's getting inside my head and I hate her for it.

I ended up carrying her to bed. Although my walk there made me want to place her in my bed where she actually should be, I know if I'm that close to her then things might just get worse. Breathing the same air as her will make things way worse than they already are. But the thought of waking up to her, seeing her face in the morning makes me feel.. things. I don't want to feel this, fuck, it's even starting to feel like pain.

Seeing her this morning also reminded me of those nights before, and I decided to push her away even further. For what reason I don't know but I refuse to succumb to some stupid unidentified feelings. I quickly dismissed her and as soon as she left I felt like pulling out all of my hair. This stupid feeling has me on chokehold, or she does I don't even know anymore. All I know is the more I push her away, the more frustrated I'm getting.

Today though I woke up with the need to get things back to where they are. To listening to her rants during breakfast or dinner telling me about her day and her plans. I had been having a very clear mind then, but this thing happened and now she won't be easily comfortable with me again. I can't believe I even want to make her comfortable at all.

When she doesn't show up for dinner tonight, I remember I made her stay away from me for the whole week this past week and so I called Angel to go get her. Except Angel has been up there for too long I'm tempted to go drag the both of them here but I don't. But it's not a second later that Angela's dark hair shows up and her formal uniform.

She's looking at the floor like she's seen a ghost or something but I don't care about that, I care about the fact that she's back here and she's without my Ravina.

"Why are you back here without her?" Her head finally snaps up to face me, she looks like she just committed a crime and now she's panicking. She's too easy to read, just like Ravina. It makes sense why they get along so well.