ARTIFICIAL

S E C R E T P A L

Ravin

As soon as I make my way home, I bump into Xavier near the entrance, whose face lights up as soon as he sees me. Right now I'm wearing heavy makeup to hide the red mark of a hand that slapped the shit out of me and the marks of someone who strangled me. Luckily my skin doesn't easily bruise, thanks to the melanin even if it's a bit of it. It works, and makeup covers everything perfectly. I look like nothing ever violated me a few minutes ago. The only problem is that my rib on my left is in great pain.

I can't sit down without needing to wince, I can't breathe properly but I successfully make it look like I'm fine. I'm not limping as I should which is why the pain keeps getting worse. Now Xavier is here and keeping me from getting to my room and locking myself there forever.

"Where have you been?" Asks a curious Xavier.

"Just home Xavier, I need to go to sleep so can you please?" I say attempting to sidestep him, but of course the idiot doesn't let me go that easily.

"Are you okay? You seem a bit paler today. Are you on drugs?" I roll my eyes at his bad use of a joke at this time.

"For fucks sake can't I just go take a nap in peace? Shouldn't you be working?" I snap at him which makes him widen his eyes in utter shock, I already feel like apologizing profusely. I hate acting like how I don't want to be treated.

Xavier lifts his hands up taking a step back. "Sorry ma'am I was just trying to help." Of course he is, he's always worried about me.

"I never asked you to, now move." I successfully make my way inside but not before breaking my friend's heart because I'm a piece of shit.

Hurt people hurt other people.

That saying has never been my life because all my life I've tried to do the opposite of what people have done to me and it has worked well. But it doesn't mean people won't hate you either way, I guess the world isn't made for people like me. Yet today, it consumes me because I've hurt someone because I'm hurt. I'm not a saint like I wished to be, I've sinned more than I'd like to admit.

It's like everything I do always comes back to bite me in the ass. No matter how generous and understanding I am, danger seems to always find me and all I can do is just sit back and let it happen.

Because that's it, that's my life. It's the life of self pity, self sabotage and fear. All that destroys you from the inside out albeit slowly and painfully. I sometimes think about my first choice to do what my family asked of me and I don't think it would've turned out any differently. I think my condition would be way worse, or I'd be dead which is my biggest wish right now.

If Nathaniel sees this, these bruises of mine. He will think of me as way worse than it already is. He would hate me, call me by all those names under the belt and break my heart into tiny bits of glass then throw it in the trash or better yet, the ocean where no one would look. He would give me the most disgusted look making my chest twist and tighten with pain till I can't handle anymore.

He would be so disturbed he'd throw me out with my bags in the streets and let gangs, murders and all those criminals in the street have their way with me then eventually kill me.

The thought of my brother do that to me is normal because I've thought about it many times but the thought of Nathaniel doing that to me is why I bury my body in this bubbly water crying my eyes out while making my rib cage worse but I can't stop the pain in my chest. I wish it could go away, but it doesn't.

I put some music on my phone ensuring it's not too loud for all to hear downstairs but loud enough for anyone passing by not to hear my defeated sobs and sniffles. Besides, crying always helps me face the situation better after I've let my sadness play its course. But today it looks like I have more tears because I can't help but want to scream my lungs out.