ARTIFICIAL

D E J A V U

Ravina

Everything around is always going in circles. My life is just another big fat sphere going over and over and over again like the days do. I don't get it, I don't get how I came back to this. I don't get how I'm once again hurdled in a corner scared of what might happen next and crying myself to sleep because that's all I can do.

I want to be angry at Siren for this but it's not her fault, heck she was only helping because she sensed that I wasn't comfortable and Angus tried to forcefully grab me which resulted in him getting his ass handed to him by a woman. But there are consequences to every action right? And it doesn't always have to be the doer that suffers those consequences.

Angus' stupid ego is surely bruised because a woman has never landed a hand on him and he hasn't defeated them. Secondly, she's a Salian and he's always wanted to meet Domenico Salian and knowing he's on the wrong side of his wife he will blame me for that whole ordeal. Third, my fiancé is blaming me for the event that happened because I'm supposed to ensure she doesn't make stupid decisions but I didn't know she would actually attack him.

I saw the scariest side of Nathaniel and now I'm not so sure if I'm safer with him or if Angus is much better because I'm scared. I don't have the option to just go and leave, these people are powerful enough to find me and drag my ass back here and kill me should they be generous. Today I was reminded that I live with one of the country's most dangerous and powerful man. My death wouldn't be cared for, it would be clean, quick and have no traces.

I'm suffering the consequences of Siren's actions but then again she was defending my honor, I can't be mad at that. I've never had someone defend me before, not even my Aunt Victoria whom I've placed my life on the line countless times for. No one has ever defended me, especially now against Angus but I won't ever see her again.

I created a bridge between what I guess were brothers, I embarrassed both my fiancé and my brother on the same night. Heck, I embarrassed his cousin's wife and his cousin all in the same night because I couldn't just tell the girl he's my brother. I actually didn't want to tell her because I didn't want to go anywhere with him. I knew he'd want to talk and make me update him on my soon to be marriage but I didn't want to and he was forcing me.

But none of that matters right now because my heart is sore. I'm hurt because I'm back to square one with Nathaniel. I don't know him anymore, I can't even eat with him because now he doesn't want me at all. I was starting to get comfortable, I was starting to want his proximity more than I'm supposed to and I wanted to breathe him. Now, I may as well be living with a predator that once it sees its prey, it will do whatever in pleases with it.

And so all I can do is simply sit in my room, reflect on my actions and bury myself in a book where the main character's only problem is the fact that she can't find a man to love as her sister has. It's the only thing that's keeping me sane because it's not my life. My life is torture, my life is hell. I can't wait to leave this life, because I am merely a spirit possessing a dead body at this moment. I'm close to breaking my bones and breaking my sanity because now, all I have is that. My bones and my sanity, I'm ready to rid of it.

I'm tired.

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The next mornings are the same as the previous ones. I wake up, I take a bath and I get ready to stay in my room all day unless Angel clears a path for me where my fiancé is no longer home which means I can get out. And everyday what I do is go to the cinema room and watch a few movies, it's pretty enjoyable. And as much as I'd like to go for a jog, I can't exactly do that because if I go and come back with my fiancé here then I'll be in trouble.