Hard Habit to Break

Chapter 1

Then

Eyes the color of whiskey, of the forest after the leaves had fallen, of safety and comfort, of love, of everything that had ever meant anything to her, meant everything to her, beseeched her, begged her to say what he wanted to hear. But she couldn't. Her brain screamed at her, her heart raged at her, her blood was rushing, pounding through her ears, an insistent sound, her entire body revolting against the words that were coming out of her mouth but she had no choice. What else was she supposed to do? It was an impossible choice, one she'd never imagined she would have to make.

"Eddie...I can't," Tori whispered, each word fracturing a piece of her as she knew it would. The fracturing would continue, shards of her breaking off bit by bit, until there was nothing left of her but a pile of brittle sawdust on the floor.

"Come on Funshine, don't do this to me," he pleaded, those ridiculously long lashes sparkling in the sun, beads of tears barely hanging onto the ends, each one just tearing her heart a bit more. If they fell, she was done for. She couldn't bear to watch him cry. "I can't do this without you, baby. I just can't. I don't know how to do this without you."

She took his hands in hers, as warm as the rays of sunshine beating down on them. Hands that knew every curve of her body, hands that molded perfectly to her face, hands that held her together, hands that soothed her soul with just a touch. They were her hands. She knew every callous on those fingers, every ridge, every single line that shot through each palm. She'd traced them more times than she could count. She had these hands memorized, the chunky rings that left imprints on her skin just like this man had left imprints on her heart.

Her fingers toyed with those rings, the massive skull, the boar's head, the cross. She brought his hands to her lips, pressing them over the small black stone of the ring she'd bought him for his birthday her junior year of high school. Tori swallowed, the action painful, her throat refusing to swallow down the sharp, jagged agony of what she knew she had to do whether she wanted to or not.

"I'm sorry. I have to stay," she cried, staring at his hands, his short fingernails that he always bit down short. Her boy, full of nervous energy that kept him constantly in motion even when sitting still. They were jagged now, copper tracing along the ridges where he'd bitten too short and her heart broke just a bit more, knowing she was the reason for it. "You know that I have to stay right now. I can't leave her."

"Then I'll stay too," Eddie choked out, on the verge of panic, as if that were a real possibility. As if there were any reality where she would allow him to make that sacrifice for her, to give up everything he'd ever wanted. "I'll tell them no. I'll stay with you. I should be here with you anyway. I can't leave you alone right now. You're going to need me if..." He stopped, pausing to think about his words, a rarity for him which only indicated even more how much he truly loved her, not wanting to wound her worse than she already was. "When this is all over, when she's better, then we'll go together."

Tori shook her head, finally bringing her eyes to his, sapphire meeting sepia, suffering mirrored in both shades. God, she loved him so much and she loved him even more for offering, for wanting to be by her side, for thinking it was even something he should consider but it wasn't. She would never let him put his life on hold, possibly ruining his chances at achieving his dream, a dream he'd held for so long, for her.

"No, baby. No...I can't let you do that. You and the boys have worked too damn hard for this. You deserve this," she told him, willing him to listen, to accept this because the tighter he held on, the harder it was for her to let him go and she had to. "You can't turn this down. This is too big of an opportunity, Eddie. I can't...no, I won't let you do that."

"You don't get to decide for me," he argued, tears that had been clinging to his lashes now slipping down his cheeks, silent streams of sadness and heartbreak. No. She couldn't bear it. How was she supposed to be strong when he was falling apart? "It's my life, Tori."