Hard Habit to Break

Chapter 18

His hands shook as he reached for the phone, pulled his hand back, reached again, pulled back. He ran trembling fingers through his hair, pressed his fist to his forehead, stood from the bed, and paced back and forth, his eyes continually darting to the phone, working toward building enough strength to make that call, a call he both desperately wanted and horribly dreaded.

Dustin told him that Linda wanted to talk to him. She knew. She knew everything. She knew about his drug abuse. She knew about his public humiliation. She knew about his stint in rehab. She knew how much he'd fucked up. She knew that he was just the worthless piece of trailer trash criminal that the whole town of Hawkins always thought he was. Dustin assured him she was just worried, just wanted to know that Eddie was okay, but the very thought of making that phone call made his stomach twist up worse than when he was detoxing.

Ninety days he'd spent in that place. He never thought it was going to get better. Two weeks of feeling anxious, agitated, so fatigued he could barely raise his arm, left craving a fix like a starving man craving a chicken leg, worse than he'd ever experienced. Dark thoughts that took over his brain, telling him it would be better to just end it all than to be left feeling like this. Dark, quiet nothingness had to be better than what he was feeling. And who would even care? After everything he'd done, the ways he'd fucked up his life and so many others, wouldn't they just be relieved to be done with him? To no longer have to worry about him. No longer a burden placed on other's shoulders to be dealt with.

Then two weeks where he could do almost nothing but sleep. No matter how much sleep he got, he was still tired. He crashed and when he wasn't sleeping, he was hungry all the time. There was not enough food in the world to fill the hunger in his body. Mood swings where he would go from feeling something close to happy, hopeful even that it would get better to so full of rage that he was tearing apart his room and screaming into the void every awful thing that was tormenting his soul.

Then it just settled into a hollow, unending sadness that he could not pull himself out of. He was fatigued, both his mind and body. Eddie lost hours just lying in the bed in his room, staring at the ceiling, tormenting himself with everything he'd ever done wrong in his life.

So many people...so many people hurt by him and his actions. His uncle, who'd shown up as soon as he was allowed to have visitors. Eddie couldn't even look the man in the face. How was he supposed to look into the eyes of the man who'd given him everything he had when he'd taken all of it and thrown it in the trash as if it meant nothing? How was he supposed to face him when he'd basically spit on every sacrifice the man had made so Eddie could become something better, be someone better. He wasn't someone better. Look at him.

Linda...he hadn't spoken to her in months. Not since his addiction had reached levels he had no control over anymore. He didn't give a shit about anything but finding his next fix. It wasn't that he was avoiding her. He simply didn't care. She never crossed his mind. Nothing did. Nothing mattered but that blessed powder going up his nose, filling him with that false sense of pleasure, that high of joy and happiness that was so fleeting, leaving him chasing the next one.

Tori...shit. He couldn't even think about her. She was the reason it had all begun, the reason he chased the high to begin with. It had started with just wanting to forget for a little while, just a bit to soften the sharp edges of the pain he felt, but it had turned into something he had no control over. What she must think of him now. He'd become exactly who she thought he was now. She probably felt vindicated in choosing to end their relationship and why wouldn't she? No one would want to be handcuffed to this mess.

Dustin, Steve, Robin, Nancy, Jonathan, Lucas, Max, El, Mike, Will...every single one of his friends back home who had been trying to call, trying to reach out, and he'd ignored them. He'd turned his back on them because they were just reminders. Reminders of a town he wanted to forget and a girl he couldn't.