Hard Habit to Break

Chapter 11

 The stifling air in the church felt heavy and thick with grief; the weight of this loss felt by everyone in attendance. The cloying scent of flowers filled her nose, only reminding her of the fragility of life and the inevitably of death that would come for them all eventually. Tori could hear sniffling and quiet sobs rising up all around her as she held her back straight, closed her eyes, and tried to block out the words as the pastor droned on about her mother's life from a pre-written script.

Her fingers curled into claws and then into fists as this man spoke about something he had no idea about. He didn't even know Linda. Her dad had set up the church service, meeting with the man and answering a questionnaire about his late ex-wife so Paster George had something to say. It all felt so pointless and impersonal, ridiculous to sit here while he sang the praises of a woman he'd never even met.

Linda had not been the church going type. While other kids moaned and complained about having to wake up early on Sundays, her and Lacy were sleeping in. While they were pulling at their itchy, stiff church clothes, they were still in their pajamas eating pancakes at the kitchen table. While they sat in hard pews, listening to some man in a robe tell them the perils of a godless life, they were watching cartoons, riding their bikes, or reading a book.

Her mom had been a product of a deeply religious, Catholic household. She'd gone through all the sacraments and spent twelve years sitting in Catholic schools listening to bible stories and having nuns whack her hand for talking out of turn. The result? She'd turned away from organized religion as soon as she was old enough to make the decision for herself, finding it disappointing.

Linda had said there was a huge disparity between what people said they believed and their actions. She found herself deeply disturbed, questioning everything that had been drilled into her from a young age and when she was old enough, decided to separate herself from all of it because she said it was all, essentially, bullshit.

Linda was simple when it came to what she believed. She believed that the goal was simply to lead a good life, be a good person, and be good to others. That was how she had raised them. She had always told her children that they needed to form their own belief system and she would support them no matter what. But right now, Tori wasn't sure she believed in anything because if there was a fair and just higher power out there, taking her mom far too soon, when she still needed her, had been neither fair nor just.

Lacy's hand found hers, squeezing tightly and she squeezed back, letting her know she was there in the only way she could manage right now. She knew if she turned her head, tears would be streaming down her sister's face. Her father's face would be crumpled in anguish. But she couldn't. She was holding it together so far and she just needed to hold it together a little bit longer. If she could just get through these next few hours, then it would all be over.

Lacy was heading back to school tonight because she had a big exam on Monday that she had to study for. And with the way this group had been taking over the house, her sister was certainly not getting any studying done at home. Her father was also heading out because he had work to catch up on after being gone for most of the week. They'd both offered to try to work their schedule out so she wouldn't be alone but she'd assured them that was all she wanted.

Alone she could finally let go. Alone she could finally fall apart. Alone she could maybe breathe just a bit. The trick would be convincing all of her friends to leave her alone. At least one of them had been stuck to her like glue since she woke up this morning and while she loved them for it, she was moments away from losing her shit.

Nancy had already been awake, ready with a coffee in her hand for Tori when she rose from her sleeping bag. Then Robin had insisted on helping her get ready for the day. Steve had sat with her while the two of them had gone home to get ready for the service. Dustin then showed up to ride with her and her family to the church. It had been constant, someone always breathing over her shoulder, as if checking that she was still there, that she wasn't slowly vanishing.