Hard Habit to Break

Chapter 19

 She was one with the ocean, feeling weightless, like everything that had been pressing down on her suddenly lifted. The view from here was breathtaking. The term infinity pool was fitting because that was how it felt, like the pool blended seamlessly with the ocean, creating the illusion of endless water before her, vast and expansive. The waves gently lapped against the shore, the sound soothing her soul. The warm air carried the scent of the sea, salty and fresh. It was bracing but also refreshing, transporting her from the worries that awaited her back home to a place of relaxation and tranquility.

Here, she could forget it all. For this brief respite, she could let her grief go, carried away on the waves out to sea. She could let the ocean take all her concerns about Eddie, what he said, what it meant, and ultimately what she was going to do about it. She could just live in this moment, not have to stress about taking on the pressure of going to school while working a full-time job again. Not worry about her future, not have to dwell on these huge decisions that felt like they would change the course of her future forever.

Slipping onto her back, Tori closed her eyes, allowing the water to muffle all of her senses. She let all of the sound disappear as the water covered her ears. The only thing she could see was the glare of the sun against her eyelids. All she could feel was the smooth, warm rippling as the water lapped gently at her body while she floated, weightless, on top of it.

Could she just stay here for eternity? Just spend the rest of her days in this pool as the world continued to turn around her. Let life move forward as she floated aimlessly. It sounded appealing even if it wasn't possible. At some point she was going to have to face this decision she didn't want to face. She was going to have to dive into the deep end or stay where she was, in the shallows, where it was safe.

Because Eddie was the deep end. He was the riskier choice. He was the unknown even if once he'd felt like the only thing she'd been certain of. Choosing him, choosing a life with him, she didn't know what that meant. She didn't know what that looked like and she didn't know how that ended. Would it be a happy ending? The two of them standing on the beach, his arm around her, her head on his shoulder, as the camera cut away, leaving you knowing that they lived the best life ever? Or would it be the kind of ending that left you unsatisfied, with a pit in your stomach, that story that would haunt you, creeping up every now and again, remembering how much it had hurt.

The shallow end was the safe choice. It was what she already knew. The shallow end meant going home, starting school, a few years of hard work and stress. She would become a librarian. She would live in her mom's house. She would go bowling or rent movies with her friends on the weekends. She would have her dad and Lacy over for Thanksgiving and Christmas, taking over her mom's role in the kitchen. She would probably get a dog, because she'd always wanted one but there hadn't ever been time. Maybe she would meet a nice guy, a teacher or someone else at the library, to spend her life with. Or maybe she would simply spend the rest of her life alone.

It wasn't an exciting option. It wasn't some epic story of adventure and exhilaration. But it was an ending that she could predict. It was an ending that didn't risk her getting her heart sent through a shredder again. It was an ending that didn't mean more pain, more grief, more pieces of her carved out, leaving her full of holes that could never be patched.

She should do the safe thing. It was definitely the smart choice. After the last five years, she deserved the safe thing. Five years of worry, stress, anguish, heartbreak...shouldn't she make the choice that would lead to calm and surety?

But she wanted him. God, she wanted him. Her body wouldn't let her forget how good he felt. Her brain kept haunting her, dreaming of the night last month every single time she closed her eyes. His hands setting her ablaze, his lips searing her skin, the way he felt moving inside her as he kept claiming her, saying she was his again and again.