Hard Habit to Break

Chapter 9

 Eddie had forgotten what summers felt like in Hawkins. The way the heat enveloped everything, wrapping around limbs and shoulders like a stifling, damp embrace. The sand was coarse and rough between his toes, not soft and silky like the beaches on the coast. The lake didn't have that salty tang to it but the sound of the waves lapping along the beach still brought a sense of peace to him if he closed his eyes, removing the visual reminder that he was indeed back in Kansas, Toto. Only five years since he'd last stood here, saying goodbye to the only thing he didn't want to leave behind, and yet it felt like a lifetime had passed since he'd been to Lover's Lake.

He could almost pretend he was back home, in L.A., his ass buried in the sand as he scribbled down lyrics in his notebook. The sky slowly changing from the purest blue to vibrant reds and oranges until it finally faded to the blackest night, forcing him to head back inside because he couldn't see to write anymore.

But some nights...some nights he'd just stay out there for hours, laying back, sand getting in all the wrong places, as he stared up at the sky above him. An endless void that went on forever. The sheer enormity of it brought him both a sense of wonder and humility in a world that was constantly making it harder to stay grounded. No matter how many people screamed his name, how many women threw themselves at him, looking up at the countless points of light scattered across a black canvas, made him feel small. It reminded him how insignificant he really was in the scheme of it all and how quickly he could become inconsequential if he fucked up again.

And then there were those nights when those stars felt like tiny windows, each one providing a view into his past and he would allow his mind to wander. He didn't do it often because it usually ended with him deep into a bottle of whiskey and a killer hangover the next day but occasionally, when the missing her spread from a dull ache to an insistent throbbing he could no longer ignore, he'd allow himself to go there. It was safer than the alternative that wouldn't just be one rough morning of getting himself together but a descent into hell he might not crawl his way back out of a second time.

"Who wants ham?"

Eddie's eyes opened, taking in the sight of his entire past spanning the beach. Nancy and Jonathan were manning lunch, passing out sandwiches and drinks that had been packed into a cooler. Most of the kids...well, he supposed they weren't really kids anymore but they'd always feel like it to them, were splashing in the lake. Steve, Lacy, Gareth, Lucas, Max, and Mike were playing volleyball over a net they'd staked into the ground. And Tori was sitting with Robin, looking like she'd rather be anywhere but here. And he was sure she would. Anywhere but where he was.

Robin and Steve had shown up at his Uncle's this morning declaring that they'd all decided that everyone was going to have a beach day at Lover's Lake the way they used to. They all looked forward to celebrating the warm weather and the break from school. And Tori had loved this place, dragging his ass to the beach at least once a week until it got too cold. And still they'd drive out here and sit. Sometimes wrapped in a blanket on the sand. Sometimes sitting on the back of his old, beat-up van just looking up at the sky. She said it cleared her head, being away from everyone and everything, just the two of them, the water, the trees, and the stars.

But now, he wasn't so sure this was doing anything to clear her head. Eddie had tried to argue, knowing the last thing Tori wanted was to hang out with him, but his efforts had been futile. Apparently, Nancy had been the ultimate decision maker and when Robin told him he could take it up with her, he'd instantly backed down. There was no arguing with Wheeler when she thought she was right.

And obviously she did. He had no doubt this whole day had been some ill-guided attempt to lift Tori's mood, to fill the day after making all the decisions and the actual funeral. Maybe they even thought it would help abate some of the awkwardness if they all just hung out the way they used to. But nothing was the way it used to be. There was no remedy for this particular brand of awkwardness. They all just had to grit their teeth and bare it until it was over.