Loop of lies {FAKE DATING!!}

#1 clara

It's currently 3am. that's right. And I am preparing for the fucking exam that will decide where I'd be in life according to all the elders. I can't remember when being terrified of ghost encounter at 3 am became 'terrified of being average, so studying hard' At 3 am.

There are a million of things that I could do right now, but doing anything other than studying feels nothing less than a sin.
However, I have found one obsession that comes and go. Capturing pictures of myself in moments when i felt pretty and chose to break away from the habit of hiding my face.

My interest never degraded in taking photos. But as I grew up and the teenage phase took place there was a lot of judgements, I made about myself. Especially about my nose and my smile. Or how weird, dry or big my lips are looking.

FUCK THE BEAUTY STANDARDS I LOVE MY NOSE. I cannot judge God's creation now, can I?

 As it grew late at night and studying for several hours wore me down, I decided to take a break and turn to my phone. When I open my gallery, I see a picture of myself that I took, and I was quite impressed with it. I send it to Irina. Less than a friend more than a classmate, 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱, since she always asks me why I don't ever take pics of my face. So, I send it to her, and she instantly replies. Maybe she was studying too, she was intelligent and possessed a wide range of knowledge but i had doubts about the sincerity of her friendship. despite my reservation i often found myself forgiving her because my mother believed she might be lonely.

"It's pretty " She replies

"Thanks" i reply back to her text

"Why didn't You come to school we had a farewell since this semester is going to be over? " She asks.

"I am just not interested"

 I simply reply but I didn't even know we had a farewell.

"So, you know that Chris was also there. I took pics with him, and he is so sweet you know?"

𝘉𝘪𝘵𝘤𝘩. I think in my head. It's been 3 months since I broke up with Chris and she brings him up as if it's nothing. After the on and off relationship we called it off and said our goodbyes, not to mention that he was texting me and trying to love bomb me only to ignore me the next day. So, it didn't take too long for me to move on from him. But it's as if she is so desperate to get a reaction out of me.

The only thing I love about Chris is blocking him before texting him "Aiden is better than You :) kudos!" Even though I have no Aiden in my life. I am too delusional and creating an ideal boyfriend in my head and I can say with certainty that i excel at one skill in life-its crafting elaborated scenarios in my head, I have honed this skill better than the ability to accidentally mess up things. I always thought Aiden is a good name and I wanted a boyfriend named Aiden. However, I hate that I have to come out of my fantasies because I have to put a lot of focus on my exams. I only have one chance to not fuck up.

"And how's the preparation
going " She sends one more message right after.

"My preparation is going pretty well" 

I reply and silent her notifications and go on Pinterest to scroll

After 10 mins I open my messages and read her texts in a row

"Why aren't You replying on the other messages about Chris? Are You there? Where did You go? "

I didn't want to send any furious reply to her because it's going to ruin my mood and when I get back to studying, I would not focus and fight with her in my head until I win with a good comeback.

"If I am not replying, you better know that I am not interested in talking about him" I reply calming my nerves down. Why do I feel so mature for replying to this way?

(Alexa play 'I am so mature' by SZA)

At least I don't fight her and ruin my mood like before and that's a massive asteroid sized improvement!

I scroll up her texts and see a pic she sent. It was Chris. 𝙀𝙬

"Ohk" She replies

I was in close proximity with my studying session for the night and grab my phone again audaciously. Pinterest was my safe place; I took solace in it. Irina's actions persistently occupied my headspace, I harboured a sense of apprehension and distrust, I struggle to comprehend why she feels compelled to constantly revive memories of my past relationship, her actions have instilled in me a sense of doubt regarding her intentions and commitment to respecting my emotional well-being. I deliberately set aside those intrusive thoughts to preserve my peace an instead scroll on Pinterest to divert my attention. While I was scrolling through Pinterest, i came across numerous pictures of adorable couples. oh, to have a love like that. I found them endearing and downloaded many of these into my gallery. As I admired those lovable couples i  the photos, a mixture of enviousness and longing stirred within me. I yearned to experience the same romantic connection to be chosen one and the bask in the warmth of true love

when You are single, wondering when it will be your turn to experience the late-night calls, sweet talks near a campfire or dancing together. 

i continued to browse through humorous memes, but after a short while, a sense of drowsiness overcame me. i decided to take rest and sleep, letting go of the scrolling and surrendered myself to the embrace of slumber