A New Beginning

The Girl I Was Before

Author's Note: I performed this one too!!

I cannot escape this war.
I wish I was the girl I was before.

My first experience with pain was getting a shot at the doctor's office.
And oh my God, did it hurt.
But now, I insert the syringe in my arm, loving all the amphetamine.
And this time is not the first.

My first friend was my dad, always holding my hand and catching me when I fall.
And oh my God, I loved him.
But now, my true friend is the cold blade I drag gently across my wrist.
And in the blood, I swim.

My first lesson was in kinder, we talked pronouns. "They" meant more than one.
And oh my God, I loved school.
But now, "they" and "them" mean one. "They" and "them" is me, so don't you dare get it wrong.
Being transphobic is not cool.

My first med was an antidepressant. I took it, wanting to get better.
And oh my God, did it work.
But now, I pop painkillers, one after another, just to get relief.
When I'm high, I'm a jerk.

My first fight was with my sister, trying to decide who would get the top bunk.
And oh my God, did she fight.
Now my only fights are with myself, then I have to bandage my bloodied fists.
Figuratively though, right?

I've been fighting all my life, because mental illnesses seem to love me.
Believe me, I want to be stable mentally.

I cannot escape this war.
I wish I was the girl I was before.