𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐲

chapter 40

WARNING: panic attacks :(

The next day the doctor comes to check in on the boys. After taking another x-ray he tells Seojun that his right arm is doing a lot better, so his cast can now be replaced with a smaller splint. You walk together to get it changed, and on the way back to his room you see Jugyeong who's on her way to visit Suho.
"Jugyeong-ah!" You call out her name in excitement, motioning her over. You hug her in greeting before the three of you walk back to the ward, but when you approach the boys' room you all pause at the sound of multiple voices. Once you reach the door and peek through you realise that Suho is arguing with his father, so you all stay outside.

When you hear the truth about what happened with Seyeon your hand instantly reaches for Seojun's. You know he must be in shock, having not known Suho's side to the story nor the truth about what happened that day. You hold his hand in yours but he doesn't look at you, instead looking down at the ground sadly. Suho shouts at his father to leave, but when he hunches over the bed and seems to be in pain the three of you run into the room in worry.

You watch for a moment as his eyes dart around the room in panic, clutching his chest as he gasps for breath, and your eyes widen as you realise what's happening. You push past his father and run over to Suho, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him to face you, calling his name frantically. He grabs your arms in panic, tightly gripping onto you as he fights for breath. His nails are digging into your arms, but you ignore the pain as you try to help him.

"Suho," you say urgently, and he looks at you with wide eyes. Seojun, Jugyeong and Suho's father stay back, not knowing what to do or how to help. All they can do is watch because you're the only one who seems to know what's going on. Tears are running down your cheeks at the pain he must've been going through all these years, and you take a breath to try to calm your heart. The situation scares you, but you can't have a panic attack yourself right now. You need to help your friend through this.

"I know what's happening to you right now, Suho. I need you to trust me, okay? I know it feels like you can't breathe but I promise you can. Just try to take deep breaths and follow my breathing," you tell him, and Seojun's eyes widen when he realises what's happening. "I know it's scary but I'm going to help you," you tell him and he nods desperately, looking at you with wide eyes. You know better than anyone that all he wants right now is for this horrible feeling to end.

When a nurse walks in and rushes over to where the two of you are on the floor, she realises that you're helping and doesn't push you away, staying beside the two of you.
"Suho, follow my breathing," you urge him, "Try to focus on something else and take deep breaths. Focus on my voice, my breathing, anything to make yourself feel grounded. Think about Jugyeong," you tell him, thinking about what helps you through your panic attacks.

You wince when he digs his nails into your forearms tighter, and you feel your own breathing start to quicken, but you can tell that his breathing is gradually getting better so you continue speaking to him. You swallow down the oncoming panic attack of your own and try not to think about it for the sake of your friend. "Jugyeong's here, Suho, she's here with you, your friends are here. You're safe, okay?" You feel his tense body start to relax slightly, and his breathing calms down as you guide him. His head lolls forward to rest on your shoulder tiredly, before he eventually falls asleep from exhaustion in your arms.

The nurse finally steps in, Suho's father helping her get him into bed and she puts the IV back in and begins treating him. You sigh and stay on the ground for a moment, but when you lean back you gasp at the pain that shoots through your palms. You look down at your hands to see shards of glass on them, having not noticed the broken vase behind you throughout the commotion, multiple cuts on your skin. Seojun gasps at the sight and notices the way you're beginning to tremble, so he reaches down to grab your arm.

When you whimper in pain he also notices the crescents on your skin, some of them bleeding slightly from when Suho dug his nails into your arm. Seojun is quick to pull you out of the room to find another nurse to help treat you. Luckily it's not too deep, one of the nurses just disinfecting the wounds and applying a few plasters to them before sending you on your way. Jugyeong stays at Suho's bedside so the two of you decide to give them some privacy, walking around the hospital to find a bench to sit on.

When you walk through the lobby you pass Suho's father who's speaking to the doctor. He explains to him that Suho suffered from a panic attack, and Seojun looks down at you to see you biting your lip nervously. You can tell that Seojun wants to speak to Suho's father, so you push him gently.
"Go talk to him, I'll go check on my mum and find you after," you say, and he nods. You know Seojun must've been having just as tough of a time as Suho, and the thought saddens you.

You go to check on your mother for a little while, but when you enter the room she gasps at the sight of your arms. You're quick to reassure her that you're okay, and after you explain to her what happens she immediately brings you into a hug. She's proud that you helped your friend the way you did. When you head back out to find Seojun you see him standing outside the door to his room, watching Jugyeong and Suho. Your heart breaks at the sight. He looks up and sees you, and you throw him a pained smile. The two of you walk to a bench nearby, sitting beside each other silently.

"Is that what I looked like when I had my panic attacks?" You break the silence, and Seojun turns to you. You look up at him sadly. "Is that how scary it was for you?" He just nods in response, not knowing what to say. You guessed it's easier to help someone going through a panic attack than to stop one that you're going through personally. Maybe that's why you knew what to do, since you know how it feels to be in Suho's position. But you didn't realise until that moment how terrifying it can also be for the people witnessing it as well.

"Y/N," he gently calls your name, "what really happened that day?" You know what he's talking about - the trip, the day you had that horrible panic attack that caused the two of you to stop talking for weeks. Seojun was going to find you that day, but when he saw Jugyeong crying he couldn't just walk away. A part of him thinks that if he had managed to find you, you might not have stopped talking for all that time. He just wants to know what he did wrong. You let out a shaky breath.

"I saw something," you say, and he looks over at you, "something that broke my heart, and it was a lot to handle." He knows you won't say anymore from the way you look down and stay quiet after that, so he nods before the two of you eventually decide to go back to his room. You stay with him that night, knowing that after what happened throughout the day he needed someone with him. While Seojun sleeps you stare at him sadly, thoughts about what happened on the trip weighing heavily on your heart.

"That panic attack I had on the trip? I was so scared," you say quietly, both boys in the room sleeping as you finally speak your mind freely. You swallow the lump in your throat before continuing. "It was short, but it felt like hell. I saw something that day, and I just- I couldn't handle it. I felt so suffocated and you weren't there with me, so it just made me panic even more. It was probably the worst one I've ever had. But I couldn't tell you, because how could I tell you that the reason I panicked was because I couldn't deal with my own feelings?" You laugh to yourself bitterly. "I just don't want to think about that day anymore, okay? It was a horrible panic attack, and I wish I could forget about it," you finish, feeling a little better after letting out your feelings.

You lean over to place a kiss onto Seojun's head before finally leaning down and getting some sleep. Once he's sure you're asleep, Seojun's eyes open slowly. He heard everything, a single tear running down his cheek at your pain and how he wasn't there to help you. He vowed that you would never have to go through another panic attack alone, not while he's in your life, but he failed you. He's confused by what it is that you saw which upset you so much, but little does he know you were talking about him.