𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐲

chapter 41

WARNING: mentions of panic attacks

That night, Seojun can't sleep. His heart is heavy and his head is full of a million thoughts. About you, about Jugyeong, about the situation with Suho and Seyeon. He just has a lot on his mind and can't bring himself to relax enough to sleep.

He turns his head to check on Suho, the boy having not woken up since his panic attack. He worries slightly, getting out of bed slowly so as not to wake you, before leaning over to check on Suho. When he opens his eyes and stares back at him Seojun panics, wanting to jump back into bed to hide and act like he wasn't just checking on him, but not wanting to wake you up. Suho sighs lightly, asking Seojun to go on a walk with him to get some fresh air and to clear his head. The boys have a good talk, managing to clear up the misunderstandings that they've had all these years, and finally make up after everything that happened.

The next day the boys finally get discharged and are able to leave. Seojun gets another x-ray done, and the doctors are really happy with his progress. The splint on his left hand gets removed, as well as the cast on his right, since both arms are completely healed. Jugyeong is in their patient room grabbing the last of Suho's things, while he waits in the cafeteria. You find him sitting alone, staring out the window quietly. You walk over to sit beside him.

"I'm sorry this happened to you," he says, reaching for your plastered hands and looking down at them solemnly, "It's because of me."
"It's okay Suho, seriously," you tell him, "Honestly it doesn't hurt and it's not your fault at all." You smile in an attempt at reassuring him.
"Thank you," he says, and you look over at him in confusion, "for helping me." You nod with a little smile.

After a few moments of silence he asks the question he's been curious about all night. "How did you know what to do? How did you know that it was a panic attack?" You don't respond for a short while.
"Because I've been having them myself for years."

Suho snaps his head to you in shock, and that's when he sees the sad smile on your face. "I've had tons of panic attacks before, so when I saw what was happening to you I recognised the signs. Because that's how they are for me too."
"How do you deal with them?" You ponder for a moment.
"Honestly? I don't," he looks at you in confusion. "I just wait for them to stop. I sit there and panic until I have no energy left and eventually they stop." He looks away, remembering how scared he was and wondering how long it would've lasted if you weren't there to help him.

"Seojun started helping me once I moved here though." He turns back to you, paying attention to your every word. "He's like an anchor for me, if I think about him or he's with me I can find something to focus on and it helps me calm down. You just need to find your anchor. Think about something, or someone, you really care about and use that to bring yourself back. Think about Jugyeong, Suho," you tell him, and he nods hopefully. She most definitely is his anchor, without a doubt.

"That day on the trip when you saw me, I ran away because I knew I was about to have a panic attack," you tell him, and his eyes widen at the realisation that you must've gone through it alone. He didn't know, if he did he would've tried his best to help you. You smile to reassure him, because you know what he's thinking. "It's okay. Seojun helped me through them mostly, it was just that once time that he couldn't." Only the two of you know why. "Suho, he still doesn't know why I had that panic attack, I never told him."

"You know he feels the same way, right?" Suho says after a few moments of silence between the two of you. "Even if he doesn't realise it himself, it's obvious that he has feelings for you." You just shake your head with a teary smile.
"It's alright Suho, you don't need to try to make me feel better." You cut him off before he can speak further. "I know how he feels for Jugyeong, I know all too well. And so do you." He looks at you sadly.

"I'm not angry at anyone, and I'll never let it ruin my friendship with Jugyeong. That's why I spent so long avoiding him. I wanted to get over my feelings so it wouldn't make anyone feel awkward or uncomfortable, and a part of me was afraid. I was afraid that if I continued to spend time with him that my feelings would become stronger. But they still did, even when I wasn't talking to him."

"And then all of this happened, and I was right. I thought as long as I was friends with him and was that close to him that I would be able to handle it. But every time I saw the way he felt for Jugyeong, it broke my heart. I knew I couldn't compete with that. Jugyeong has a heart of gold, and of course he would have feelings for her. He'd be crazy not to. You know that better than anyone," you say tearily, nudging him gently with a little chuckle.

"But then I started to avoid him because I couldn't deal with it anymore, and I just didn't want to be the jealous best friend who couldn't control her feelings. I didn't want to cause problems with my closest friends. So I closed myself off. And then my mum had a heart attack and he was the first person who comforted me and was with me the whole time and you guys got into that car accident and I-"

When you feel Suho's hand over yours which you hadn't noticed were clenched tightly into fists on your lap, you stop rambling.
"You love him, don't you?" Your silence is more than enough of an answer to him. You let out a shaky sigh and look down at your hands.

"I love him, Suho," you nod, the tears finally escaping your eyes. "I love him so much and I want to be with him, but I'm never going to be good enough for him."
"What do you mean?" You look at him with a sad smile.
"It's Jugyeong, Suho," you say as if that should be enough of an answer for him. He should understand better than anyone. I could never compete with her. "I just want him to be happy, nothing more. But it still hurts." He brings you into a hug when he notices that you're crying, and you just sob into his chest. His heart hurts at the sight of his friend in so much pain.

At this time, Seojun is walking around the hospital looking for the two of you, finally ready to head home after speaking to the doctors and sorting his discharge papers out. When he finds you, however, he's shocked to see you in Suho's arms. The sight angers him for a reason that he doesn't understand, so all he can do is walk back to his room and wait for the two of you to return.