Repulsive Beauty || Hisoka

23. Alternative Ending.

"I'm so glad you decided to go out with me tonight: seeing you excited is a nice change!"
"Yeah, it feels nice."
It's been nearly a year since Hisoka left. I'm not about to say that I'm completely over it, or that I never think of him, but I am feeling better. In the throws of my grief I had made the decision to call my best friend from back home. She was happy to hear from me, and practically begged to move out here with me. It all worked out, since I needed to find an apartment anyway after leaving Heavan's Arena. I had half a mind to compete in The Battle Olimpia but after he left, I couldn't bear to look at the place any longer.
"You look fucking HOT, Tess. You're bringing someone home tonight, I demand it." Cara stated as she fidgeted with her hair.
"Yeah maybe. I don't know, my vibrator and I have been getting pretty serious." I joked.
Part of me wanted to fuck someone else just to get the taste of Hisoka out of my mouth, and part of me wanted to savor it.
We took a final look at ourselves in the body length mirror. I pulled down at the short hem of my emerald green dress, and Cara pulled up at her black one to show as much skin as possible. We headed out the door and started for a club not far from the apartment.

The air in there was stuffy and stagnant, something about it almost made me feel uneasy. Everybody's bodies moved recklessly, sometimes against one another, sometimes alone. It's hard to pick out who in here is even single. I guess guys had an easier time telling, because it wasn't long before several guys were competing for Cara's attention. She had that effect on men, and frankly I don't envy her for it. I didn't dance awkwardly alone for very long before a cute enough guy approached me wordlessly, assuming the position as we continued our dance. After a few drinks, Cara and I gave each other the look that said "I need to sit down.", so we both dragged our partners to the clubs lounge.
I don't know if it's the alcohol, or the crowd or what but my anxiety had been mounting since we walked into the club. Upon entering the lounge and scanning the room, my worst fear had come to life.
There he was, casually sitting with a girl sprawled on his lap, nursing a drink. He looked the same, but I guess so did I. I was frozen, watching his long fingers lick at the other girl's legs. The images and sensation of our relationship crowded my mind, drenching my every thought in sweet reminiscence. But that quickly soured into the searing pain of losing him, and now seeing him with someone else. His face lifted to mine nearly the second that I noticed him. As dark as it was in here, I could see his eyes were still that scalding yellow; like a deers in headlights just before you hit it.
He started to dump the girl off of his lap but before I knew it I was being dragged away. I didn't realize I had been holding my breath until the crisp evening air bit me.
"That's him isn't it"
Yeah that's him. He's unmistakable. Beyond the technology of recreation.
"Tess. Should we get out of here?"
"That's him. I don't know what to do." I barely squeak.
"Well let's not sit here and find out. Sorry boys, we're going to head home tonight. Maybe we'll see you another time" Cara dismisses as she turns us both to walk home.
We only made it a few steps before a shadowy figure stepped out of an alley in front of us.
"You didn't want to say 'hi'?" He pouted, leaning against the building.
Cara's grip on my arm tightened as she halted us.
"No, she didn't! Fuck off dude, haven't you done enough?" Cara barked, putting herself between us.
"I just want to talk for a moment, Tess."
My name sounded like honey off of his tongue; his lips wrapping too tightly around it.
I can't tear my eyes off of him, leaning around Cara just to see more. I feel like I always did, like I was going to give myself to him even though I knew it would hurt me in the end. I can't be strong enough to tell him no.
"Over my dead-" Cara said with her voice raising into yelling.
"Okay."
She turned to me with her eyes squinted.
"You're not serious. Tess do you remember what he fucking did? Why listen to a word out of his mouth?" Cara said, now turning to yell at me.
"Just. You should go back and catch up with that guy, enjoy your night."
"And what? Leave you with him?!" She asked with her eyes somewhere between anger and pity.
"Yeah. Please, Cara. Maybe I'll just get some closure, you know? I'll just head home after."
"You really are a fucking moron, Tess. I love you but jesus fucking christ." She said as she turned back to him. "I will kill you myself, do you understand me? You touch a fucking HAIR on her body, make her cry ONE more time and it will be the end of your miserable and pitiful life."
"I wouldn't dream of it." he pleaded, never tearing his soft eyes from mine.
"Fine. Tess, I'm gonna go home with that guy because you stress me the fuck out. I'll be checking my phone, okay?" Cara said, voice now lowering into concern.
"Okay. Enjoy yourself, I'll text you if I need you."
"Okay." She said before shooting a cold glare at Hisoka and walking back towards the bar.
We sat in silence as she left earshot.
"Hey." he nearly whispered.
I don't know why I agreed to talk. I don't think I have anything to say. Maybe I do, but I can't bring my lips to form the words.
"I know. I understand if you hate me. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for hurting you."
"Sorry?" I whimper, eyes starting to sting.
"Yes, I'm sorry."
"Do you have any idea, Hisoka, how fucking badly you hurt me?" I asked, leaking my anger into my tone.
He was quiet a moment too long.
"No, of fucking course you don't. You couldn't POSSIBLY understand how much pain you put me through! Cuz you know what? And I wish I had realized this sooner, you have no fucking heart!" I barked as I shoved at his chest.
He only stumbled back an inch, but left his lips closed.
"Exactly, you have no fucking heart you can't possibly imagine what pain even is, what it even means to be hurt. You're just a heartless monster and I was an idiot to let myself fall in love with you!"
My voice was cracking around my sudden confession, and my shoving his chest wasn't even phasing him. I couldn't stop the tears from streaking my cheeks.
"I should have just let you fucking kill me in our stupid match."
"Please don't say that." He finally spoke.
"And why the hell not? What difference would it have made for you? Absolutely none! You still would have ended up here, drinking, hooking up with girls without a care in the world! The only difference is that I wouldn't have had to fucking suffer!" I screamed as I gave his chest one last shove before succumbing to my heaving sobs, accepting my role as the crazy girl.
And suddenly I was smothered. My face was pressed against his chest and his arms wrapped carefully around my shoulders.
"I'm so sorry, Tess. You deserved better than that, it was cruel."
But my cries wouldn't stop. And like I always did, I gave in to him.
I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed as if I was strong enough to hold him to me forever.
"It hurts so bad, His." I moaned into his chest.
He dragged his hands up and down my back, pausing on my bare skin to fend off the cold air. He pressed his cheek onto the top of my head before speaking again.
"I won't claim to know how you felt. But I need you to know that I wasn't smiling as I left. It was very difficult to leave you, and it was a mistake. I know that can't compare to what I put you through."
We both sat, processing the situation for a few minutes.
His hands continued to roam the silky fabric of my dress before washing over my cold skin again. He felt hot, his skin leaving warm trails behind that quickly froze again. When I finally caught my breath I was drowned in the sickly sweet strawberry scent on his skin, seeping through his shirt.
"Why did you leave me." I cried into his chest.
He was quiet for a minute before replying.
"Because you were right; when you said I fear intimacy. I wanted to escape before it could hurt me, but I was too late." he paused, "I left because I thought I was an idiot to let myself fall in love with you, too. But I didn't save either of us any suffering."
My breath caught in my throat. I pulled my head off his chest and looked up at his face.
"You were in love with me?" I croaked.
His eyes looked wet. Seeing him even remotely emotional was almost unsettling.
"I suppose if I was no longer in love with you it wouldn't hurt anymore; but it does. I planned on staying away so you could heal, I didn't want to reappear in your life after what I did to you."
His face was studying mine and mine was studying his. Suddenly it felt like we were playing emotional poker and neither wanted to show their full hand.
"So what do we do?" I whispered, mostly to myself.
"What do you want to do?" He asked, using his thumbs to clear away the tears left on my cheeks.
"How can I possibly trust you with anything now, His. Who cares what I want, I have no say here."
"I want you."
"For how long this time? A few more months?" I snip.
"I can't be sure. I can promise though, that next time I leave it'll be because you're sick of having me around."
I let myself choke out a sarcastic chuckle.
"I can't, with a sound mind, believe a word out of your mouth."
"Of course, I wouldn't expect anything different. All I can do is ask if you'll give me the chance to show you."
His eyes looked genuine, as much as they could I guess. I knew I wouldn't be able to send him away to never see him again. I'm no stronger now than I was then.
"Fine. You are on THIN fucking ice, you hear me?" I barked as I tore myself away from him and turned to start walking home.
"Crystal clear, my sweet girl." I heard from behind me.
The pet name hurt more than it should have.
He took a few long strides to catch up with me before resting his hand on my lower back as we walked.