Repulsive Beauty || Hisoka

22. On Being The One To Hurt

I feel awful just thinking about how he could have cultivated such an attitude about sex like that. Doesn't know how to make love. What could be more gut wrenching than that.

I'm glad he could relax enough to find his climax among all of his panic. I've never seen his aura have even a fleck of anxiety, never mind be doused in it.
He walked back in and into the kitchen, interrupting my thoughts. He poured two glasses of water and walked back over to hand me one.
"How's your rear, princess." He asked, "I almost feel bad for how rough I was with it. Almost" his smile a Cheshire grin.
"It's not so bad I guess. I've been more sore."
"Oh, it's been worse? I'd love to hear that story." he said, getting into the other side of the bed.
"Sorry, you have to upgrade to boyfriend status to unlock things like 'My Most Interesting Sexual Exertions', and '"My Tragic Backstory'." I joked, not wanting to talk about it.
Only he didn't laugh. He just moved to lay next to me with his arm under my head.
I hiked my top leg up over his, and laid my arm over his chest and held his shoulder. My face was resting on his arm like a pillow.
"Goodnight, His."
"Goodnight, Tess."
I fell asleep with his fingers carefully raking through my hair.

Hisoka's perspective:
I slid out from beneath her sleeping body, careful not to wake her. I knew there would come a time where I had to do this, thought I hadn't anticipated it'd be so soon. I can't stand to watch her sleep anymore, or smile, or laugh. I can't hardly bear to look at her at all.
"You should really keep tabs on your idiot boyfriend"
"Maybe Hisoka will be good for you"
"You have to upgrade to boyfriend status-"
Their words rang on repeat in my mind as I watched her sleeping figure. She was exquisitely beautiful, and made me feel all too comfortable. It seems the reasons that I need to leave are the very same as those that had compelled me to stay for so long..
"What a pit-" But I couldn't finish my whispered last words.
Something felt wrong, like I was being choked, only it was my own body betraying me. Watching her sleeping face only made it worse and I had only two options to quell it. I could crawl back into bed with her, or I could leave to avoid this feeling in the future as well.
As quietly as possible, I gathered a handful of my things. She hadn't awoken. I'm not sure what part of me wished she would.
I've never starred so intently, as to commit an image to memory, as I did now. The embodiment of the peace that combats my chaos; this sleeping girl with whom I'd foolishly let a relationship fester. I can only assume these feelings are labeled as 'guilt' and perhaps even 'grief'. Approaching her may have been the most reckless thing I've ever done.

The elevator's doors closed quietly behind me. The shiny metal interior left me faced with my own reflection, forcing me to acknowledge the foreign wetness in my eyes.