A mother's love

Chapter 40

Brenda spent that night in Kyle's bed with him held closely to her. The next morning Brenda made another appointment with Dr Stone to inform her of Kyle's indifference to everything that she had tried to get him to interact with. Dr Stone was concerned by what Brenda told her about Kyle over the phone and prepared a rudimentary neurological exam to administer. She asked Kyle to follow her finger as she moved it across his face, clicked her finger in front of him in an effort to provoke a reaction, held up cards with colours and asked him to identify the colours in pictures, said his name in increasing volumes to check if the problem was in his ears, she pinched him. His only response was to the pinch, he registered no response to any of the other tests. Dr Stone's conclusion was exactly the same as Brenda's, something was definitely wrong with him. She made an appointment for Brenda with a neuropsychologist to have Kyle properly evaluated and apologised for not having better news for her. Dr Stone's conclusion that there was enough cause for concern for a neuropsychologist to be consulted left Brenda feeling numb. The little feeling that she had could only be described as grief; the faint hope she had that her worst fears would not be realized had vanished and she was left with nothing but the painful reality of accepting that none of what she had envisioned her life as a mother entailing was going to come to fruition. She couldn't look at Kyle the same way she used to, she couldn't see anymore the endless possibilities she used to see when she looked at him, all she could see now were limitations, difficulties and cruelty; the son that she thought she had had been stolen from her and in his place was a child that she didn't recognize and felt no connection to. She still loved him but it hurt to love him, to know the challenges that he was going to face that she couldn't clear out of the way for him, she could only do her best to help him overcome them with the limited capacity that he had for overcoming challenges.

Brenda took Kyle to all of his appointments by herself. Simon was never available for them, claiming to be too busy. The neuropsychologist that Dr Stone referred her to, Dr Peterson, wanted to see Kyle every three months to monitor his psychological and intellectual development. The tests that he performed were of the same rudimentary nature as the tests that Dr Stone had administered, only there were more of them and they covered a wider range of areas, including social skills, environmental awareness and physical reflexes. The results were disappointing at the beginning and they remained disappointing; there was no cause for optimism. Dr Patterson made his final diagnosis after a year; Brenda begged Simon to be there for it and he was.

"It's autism," Dr Patterson said curtly, deciding that the best way to deliver the news was to rip the band aid off.

Brenda, who had arrived for the appointment with a tenuous grip on her composure, starting crying immediately. She clasped her fingers together with Simon's and squeezed his hand tightly. Simon had managed to maintain his composure in the face of the debilitating news and took on the responsibility of asking Dr Patterson the pertinent questions.

"How bad is it?"

"He's on the severe end of the spectrum; he shows no recognition of any familiar faces, no awareness of his surroundings, no curiosity, makes no eye contact, doesn't talk, his reactions to anything that he finds uncomfortable, like physical pain, are extreme, these are all textbook symptoms of severe autism; I'm sorry, I wish I had better news. There are programmes, special care centres, if you can afford to hire someone to help you at home that would make things a lot easier."

"No," Brenda said shakily through her tears, "He's our child, our responsibility; we can't just pawn him off on a bunch of strangers, that wouldn't be right."

"The road ahead is going to be incredibly difficult, I would urge you to reconsider your stance."

"Just tell me what I need to do."