thirteen reasons why

letter 1

revised ****

dear joshua,

i loved you with all of my heart. i loved you so fucking much, josh. you threw everything away. all of the sweet gestures, every word spoken, typed, and written might as well have meant nothing. i gave you everything i had to offer. i tried to be happy for you. i tried to be perfect. what did i do wrong? why do i deserve this? you blamed it all on noel, but how could it be her fault that you are the way you are when she didn't do anything extreme, and you change yourself. she didn't change you, josh. you changed you.

i want to say that i regret finding you through mutual friends. i want to say i wish i had never met you. i want to say that i hate you with every ounce of my being. i want to say those things but if i did then it would all be a lie. it would be a bunch of bullshit, because not only did i love you, i still do. you made me so happy, joshua.

when we met i was in a deep, deep spiraling pit of depression. i barely talked to anyone. i didn't hardly laugh. my friends were noticing that my few appearances a month of "those days" we're becoming common routine. i told everyone i was fine, but a few of them knew i wasn't, and the few that were aware that i was extremely depressed didn't do anything to try to help. they constantly asked if i was okay, and on the rate occasion i would be honest they wouldn't do much to attempt to help.

i originally messaged you via social media because i had heard that a girl i knew that i had a particular disliking for was talking to you and claiming you two were together. i knew you weren't, and i had been eyeing you for your looks for a month or so by then. i was jealous and i wanted to get ahold of you before she did, so i messaged you, a selfish, envious and competitive thing for me to do.

we began to talk and we get deeper into conversation and i noticed that you and i were similar in a few ways. you said that you had thought about messaging me multiple times but you decided against it because every time you would go to text me you would get too anxious.

so, here i was, having casual conversations with a guy who's dm's i slid into, and i took a liking to you. your texts made me smile. you made me laugh. i warned you, i said, "warning: i am currently in the midst of trying to become happy again so i might do some crazy shit." and you said "usually i'm depressed out the ass but since we've been talking i've been smiling," so i ignored your improper grammar and dropped my worries because you and i felt the same way. we talked all night, and i told my friends about how great you are, and purposely rubbed in morgan's face that i was talking to you. she was pissed. she went around telling people i called you a fuckboy and that i started rumors about her, and neither of those were true. my friends that went to your school last year kept warning me, they said you actually were a fuckboy, but i decided to give you the benefit of the doubt, not only because i really liked you, but because kelsey and makayla and tessa and natalee supported me with us eventually being in a relationship, even though tessa and natalee didn't know you.

so we talked for the day and you snapchatted me and told me you liked me, and i said it back. i didn't want to jump into a relationship right then, so we didn't start dating that day. i was scared. i was so scared because i thought you were going to leave just like all of my past boyfriends did. i thought i would fall in love with you and you wouldn't feel the same way about me, or better yet you would love another girl. because that's exactly what happened the first and only other time i fell in love. i was scared because i told myself i was over that other guy, but i didn't know if i was being sincere with myself or if i was lying.

we continued to talk for another few days and you asked me if i could be yours. i said yes. i didn't want to lose you, so i agreed despite my subconscious telling me it was a bad idea. that voice would constantly tell me within those first few days that my friends were telling the truth and you were going to hurt me and i needed to stop whatever we were immediately. but i ignored the voice and did what i wanted to do because i was persistent and i thought everyone was being ridiculous because you seemed like a caring, anxious, affectionate boy that would treat me well. and god, josh, that's exactly the kind of boyfriend you were... for the first week and a half. and in that week and a half you were the best boyfriend i could have asked for and if you would have asked anyone they would have throughly we were going to last a long time. morgan became supportive of or relationship and the people that told me you were a fuckboy were convinced you had changed your ways, just for me.

god, i was naïve.

you started being distant. you responded with one to three word uninterested answers. you ignored me. it fucking hurt. do you know how many times i cried wondering what i was doing wrong? all of the times i had panic attacks? you don't, because i wouldn't tell you. i spent the night of my prom crying my fucking eyes out because you broke up with me and told me you were still in love with your ex girlfriend, who by the way was my friend, and yet you told me a countless amount of times that you loved me. well here's what i will tell you- i love you too, sadly.

fuck, you screwed me over so many times. it sucks. it makes me feel so stupid that i let you gt under my skin when it all started as an innocent crush i didn't  think would go anywhere. i gave you a second, third, and fourth try and jesus i regret it. you had me wrapped around your bony finger and you knew it. you didn't cheat on me once, twice, but three times. and those are just the times i know for sure. gabbi, shy-lynn, and kayla. i had to fucking safety pin my heart back together to make me even seem like i'm okay. i'm not okay. 

and there's this voice in the back of my head saying i miss you, but i don't know. i think i miss how our relationship was over missing you.god damn it. i can't do this.

i fucking hate you for everything. i hate you so much. i hope you're happy, baby. 

sincerely, the only one who gave a shit about you