thirteen reasons why

letter 13

oh, Zach. I liked you so much. you meant everything to me. but here's the thing, the whole time, I didn't notice you were the one breaking me. you are the one who made me depressed. you were the last person I thought of before I jumped off that tower. you know how I know that even before I've done it? you will be the only thing that will drive me so mad to actually go through with it. the only person who hurt me enough to make me depressed, anxious, and ready to jump off a building.

you guys! Zach here, your buddy, he wasn't an asshole like you before. you all know that. you changed him into the selfish monster he is now. from "not allowed to date" to blonde bimbos. from straight a student to laughing at a 47%. from caring to an unreasonable bastard.

Zach, I liked you. I liked you a lot. I kept questioning to myself every day if it was love. I got chills when you were near me. When you accidentally touched me sparks flew. I always wondered if you felt it too. to this day, I still wonder.

your love for sports and your crazy stupid jokes. your accent drove me insane. when you studied a paper you had a determined look in your eyes that I adored. your perfect hazel eyes. fluffy brown hair. people said you could have been an Abercrombie model and they were right.

innocent little Zach came to help me with computer issues and in that moment when he brushed my arm I liked you. I liked you for two years Zach. off and on for a year, but two years nonetheless.

I never could remember your name at first, but now every time I hear someone say your name I freeze up and just whisper "don't say that name please." and you know why too, don't you?

January 2013. you told Hannah you liked me but didn't want anyone to know. you said "does she ever talk about me?" and she lied to save my ass. she said I told her you and I sat by each other in English but nothing more. you said you and her and your friends will plan a way for you to ask me out without your parents finding out.

you backed out the day before you were supposed to do it saying it was a joke.

I couldn't explain to you how much pain you caused me but I can tell you one thing; that fucking hurt.

I ignored you after that... for a couple months. I missed you. I craved your voice, laugh, touch. so I let you just be my friend. and things went well for awhile.. until the bullying started. 

fuck that hurt. damn that hurt, so so much. 

you made me start cutting. and fuck, i almost thank you because i found out what the cruel world is actually about. I escaped. thank you. 

remember when i said you had a different meaning of crush? it's the exact opposite of Luke's. You hurt me and crushed me. you destroyed me. i'm shattered and no one can put me back together. no one did. and now im gone. so thanks for that, Zach. you accomplished your goal. you broke me to a point i cannot be fixed. 

goodbye.