We're Not Related Anymore...

More Conversations Over Coffee

Maddie: Present Day

I wake up early and feel at a loss for what to do. I know I have to get my things ready so that I can head back to L.A. but I have no energy to perform the task. I distract myself for a little while by putting a few of Jacob's things away. I get so carried away that by the time I'm done, his room actually looks normal. 

I only realize I'm still in my black dress when I see my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I groan and start the water for my shower. I've left my suitcase in Shelley's room and I don't feel like going in and getting it. I'm not ready for conversation just yet. I slip back into Jacob's room and steal one of his shirts. I don't care what anyone will say when they see me in it. I just need something clean to wear after my shower. 

Once I'm clean and a little more awake, I check my phone and go through my messages. I have a few from Tessa asking to meet up sometime.

Me: Hi, Tess. It's been really great seeing you these past few days. I'll have to head back home soon but if you're ever in L.A. let me know so that we can hang out. 

The message is a total cop-out. The truth is, I don't really want to see her yet. There is no social desire in me for anything. After the funeral, I barely feel like I can make conversation with myself. 

I head downstairs, needing coffee immediately. I smell coffee brewing and tense, realizing I won't have some early morning alone time. I'm regretting my choice of attire already. I steel my spine and enter the kitchen to find Lilian, her hair loose around her face, staring at the fridge like it will give her the answers to the universe. 

"Good morning," I say and she turns to face me, her eyes tightening around the edges. "How are you feeling today?" I ask, stepping up to the cupboard and grabbing a worn mug, and keeping my back to Lilian. I've been finding it easier to talk to people when they're not staring at me. Lilian and I are far from similar but if her heart feels as bruised as mine, maybe she'll understand the gesture. 

Lilian lets out a sigh, one sounding more soul-weary than I've ever heard before. "Honestly, I don't even know, Madeline. I had my entire life mapped out with Keegan. We were supposed to grow old together. Retire. We were going to see the world..." She trails off and I know her eyes are welling with tears. "I don't know why I'm telling you this," she says, laughing bitterly. "You don't need to hear this."

"I do actually. I need to hear that... that you loved him. That you won't forget him," I tell her, somewhat touched to find her confiding in me. 

"I won't," she says, conviction in her voice. I finally look at her, she's still staring at the fridge, her eyes hard.

I clear my throat, suddenly feeling that tight ball of grief in my throat again. I thought I'd gotten all my emotions out but I was wrong. There's still so much sadness inside me. 

"I...I..." I trail off, staring up at the light fixture in the ceiling. I'd read once that if you stared directly at the light, it helped stop your tears. 

"What is it?" Lilian asks, sounding almost desperate to know what I'm trying to say. 

I put the mug on the counter after I feel the handle dig into my palm. I shake my head when the words I want to say to her float around in my mind. 

I was supposed to have more time with him. We were supposed to have time to make things right. 

But I can't say this to her. She's grieving and I can't remind her of something that would've caused her husband pain in the last few years of his life. 

"I'm heading back to L.A. Thank you so much for letting me stay here," I say to her instead.

Lilian looks at me, her eyes searching mine like she knows that's not what I wanted to say.