We're Not Related Anymore...

Thought-Out Plans Were Never Our Forte

Maddie: Present Day

Somehow, we end up sitting cross-legged on Jacob's hotel bed eating chicken nuggets and fries. He's put the room's TV on and sets it on a channel that's playing old comedy shows. I'm trying not to laugh at a crass joke from Two and a Half Men when I realize that he's been staring at me. 

"What?" I ask, not caring that I have food in my mouth while I speak. It doesn't seem to disgust him. Instead, his eyes grow even fonder as he lies back on the pillows to look at me better. 

"What are we doing here?" He asks, his voice carefully controlled like he knows the question might set me off like a bomb. But I'm tired of being angry and overreacting so I answer with the most obvious. 

"I'm eating chicken nuggets and you're staring at me like a creep."

"I'm serious."

"So am I. Stop watching me and start watching Charlie Sheen." 

His eyes briefly glance at the TV before turning back to me. "Can we continue our conversation from earlier," he asks, and my hunger goes away. I set down the piece of fried chicken I was about to consume and lean back on my elbows to peer down at him. 

"Which part? Where we ask each other questions or pretend we're strangers?"

"Is that one of your questions?" He asks. 

"Is that one of yours?" I counter.

"Why are we pretending to be strangers?" And sensing from his tone that we're about to hit deep conversation territory, I dig around on the duvet until I find the remote. I switch the TV off and tuck my hair behind my ears. 

"Honestly? There's so much shit between us that the only way I feel like I can get through a conversation with you is by acting like we've never met before."

He considers my words, his eyes on the blank screen. "So what is this then?"

"What do you mean?" I ask, my hands twisting the remote over and over. 

"What do you want to come out of this? If you can't stand to be near me knowing who I am, what are we doing here?" He looks up at me through his lashes and I bite my lip. His words aren't harsh... they seem more confused than anything. And it's nice that he feels as unsettled by me as I do by him. 

"I like being near you when I don't have to overthink every single interaction we have. Is it enough for me to say that I just want to freeze time for a while and play make-believe? I want to have fun..." I trail off when he makes a face.

"Fun?" He repeats, sitting up straighter again. This way, we're almost shoulder to shoulder, and with his height, it feels like he's looking down on me. 

"Yes, fun. Ever heard of it? It's what people who aren't depressed do?" I say, trying to sound sassy and not just plain sad. 

"And are you? Depressed I mean?" He asks, leaning closer and looking into my eyes. 

I groan, covering my face with my hands. "You're not getting it. I don't want to be, for just this second, and whatever's left of this night, I don't want to be. So can we go back to pretending you're some guy I just met and I'm not battling grief, exhaustion, and a bad case of perpetual confusion." 

He rolls my words over, picking up a loose thread on the duvet and fiddling with it. When he looks up, I know he's decided to play along, because there's a sparkle in his eyes again. "So in this hypothetical scenario, I'm what? You're one-night-stand?" 

Sex never occurred to me until now but now that he's mentioned it, I'm all too aware that we're lying on an unmade bed, some of our body parts casually touching. 

"Could you handle that?" I ask, the idea taking shape and refusing to leave my mind, even though I know it's a terrible one. 

I was thinking about closure the other day when he was driving me up to the airport. Maybe this is what we need, one last good time to cancel out the bad. Maybe then I can finally move on. 

It sounds sound. I'm sad. It's an activity that will take my mind off things. An activity that will maybe make me so tired when I sleep tonight, I will be too tired to dream of what-ifs. No more waking up after dreaming about sad situations, things that will never be again. 

"Handle what?" Jacob asks, drawing me back to the conversation at hand. 

"Can you handle having sex without dealing with the emotional fallout?" I ask, not coating my words with sugar. 

He blinks at me, his eyes becoming closed off. "Is that what you want? Just sex?" 

"I want fun. I want no strings attached," I whine. "And I figure, this way, I can do it without my number getting higher," I say, mentioning our earlier conversation in the hopes of capturing that lightness. 

"Ok," he says, still staring at me. 

"OK?" I question, wondering if he can even do something like this. Jacob can sometimes be so rigid in his ways-

Before I've even finished my thought, he's moved so that he's in front of me. In one quick movement, he puts a hand on my chest and pushes me down so that I'm flat on my back. He straddles my hips and before I can reach up and return the favor, he's grabbed both of my hands in one and laid them on the pillows. 

"Like this?" He asks, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks as he settles more comfortably between my legs. 

Unable to speak, I just nod. He brings his free hand up and starts stroking my cheek. He looks me in the eyes before closing his lids and lowering his mouth to mine. 

The kiss is unlike any I've ever experienced before. It's slow and sensual and I find myself trying to raise my head up so that I can get better access. But Jacob keeps my body down with his weight and restricts my movements. He controls the pace of the kiss and by the time he finally allows me to deepen the kiss, I'm practically moaning. 

He makes a sound in the back of his throat and he's so distracted that I'm able to free my hands from his hold. My one hand goes to his hair and I start tugging at the dark strands. He groans and I feel him grow between me. The feeling sends shivers up my spine.

I move my head to the side, gasping for breath. He presses kisses down my exposed neck, kissing and sucking and gnawing on a spot just below my ear.

"I want more," I whisper, my other hand going lower, to the belt by his jeans. He catches my wrist again and pushes it to the side of the mattress. "Jacob," I beg. But I don't get to say much more before he captures my mouth again, his tongue sweeping inside and stealing all my words. 

-

My whole body is shaking when he crawls back up my body and wraps his arms and legs around me. This wasn't part of the plan, I think, as he tucks my head into his chest. But that's the last thought I think before I fall into the deepest sleep I've had in days.