We're Not Related Anymore...

A Most Unexpected Gift

Maddie: Present Day

There's still no sign of Jacob. Yesterday came and went and even after another awkward family dinner, he wasn't there. The wedding's tomorrow (if there even is a wedding) and he's not here. Where the hell is he?

As I'm heading up to my hotel room after a quiet, early breakfast with just me and my mom, I run into Lilian. I haven't seen her since I got here and I almost do a double take as we get into the elevator together.

"Lilian. Hi," I say, surprise almost making me get stuck between the closing doors. I hop in awkwardly as she gives me a weak smile. "I was starting to wonder if you were here."

"Hi, Madeline. Sorry. I thought I could handle all this wedding stuff but it's..." She doesn't have to finish her sentence. It's bringing up memories of my dad.

I look her over. Somehow, she looks worse than when I last saw her. I'm not sure what I should say to her unexpected admission. Sorry seems too weak a word. So I don't say anything and we ride the elevator in awkward silence.

As it dings open, we make to go our separate ways but when Lilian's footfalls suddenly stop, I turn around to look at her. I find her staring at me, her face a conflicted mask.

"What's wrong?" I ask, coming over to her. She suddenly looks weak and shaky. "Are you ok? Do you need to lie down?"

"I did something very bad and cruel, Maddie. I've been meddling with you and Jacob's relationship and I'm sorry for it," she admits and she may as well have told me she believes pink little aliens are going to come down from space.

"Ok, I think you seriously need to lie down. Did you fall and hit your head or something?" I ask, bringing my hand up to feel the temperature of her forehead. Even more surprising, she doesn't move out of my touch.

"Come with me to my hotel room. I need to give something to you."

I don't follow her immediately. She goes over to the hotel room and slides the key card through the door. "Why are you... why are you acting so strange? Why are you suddenly so...?" Repentant? She seems scared and sorry and I don't think I've ever felt so weirded out in my life. I don't like being on the receiving end of Lilian's tough act but at least it's better than whatever this is. After weeks and months and years of trying to break through her thick wall, this all seems so sudden and strange. Why now? After all of this time?

But it's like she can read my thoughts because she looks over at me, her eyes vacant, and speaks.

"Your dad and I were supposed to have forever," she admits mournfully. "But he's gone and I thought the more time that would pass would make it better and that I wouldn't feel so empty. But there's nothing that makes it feel better and worse of all... with all the quiet now... all I do is think. And you know what I realized, Madeline?" She looks up at me, her hand loosely holding onto the door handle.

"What?" I breathe.

"I realized that I'm a cunt. And I don't like that about myself anymore."

Ok. Yeah. I am in an alternative universe. There is no way she just said that to me. I have never felt more awkward or out of place in my entire life. What do you say in response to something like that? "Um... I'm sorry you feel that way."

"I am too." Her words come out sounding irritated. "I don't know when I'll have another chance alone with you to tell you this- And I'm really trying to make up for it so if you would please just..." she starts to lose her patience again and I scramble over to where she is by the door.

"Ok, ok. Give me your apology gift already," I say, allowing her to shut me in her hotel room with her.

The room is a mess. Like, a tornado hit the place or it was burgled. But Lilian doesn't seem to mind this and starts going through her bags.

When my mom had said she'd become less of a bitch, I thought there was no way in hell she was telling the truth... but here Lilian is, admitting that she's a... uh... a see u next Tuesday and actively trying to make amends with me. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I just never woke up this morning. Maybe this is just a fevered dream.

Eventually, she finds what she's looking for and crosses the space to hand it to me. My stomach drops when I realize what it is. It's the bundle of letters Great Aunt Linda deprived me of.

"Are those..? Where did you get them?" I ask with wonder and force myself to take them carefully from her, even though every single fiber in my body wants to snatch them away from her and run away so that I can finally read them in peace.

"Your Aunt Linda told me she'd taken them from you. She gave them back to me... I almost burned them." She shakes her head at herself. "But now I'm glad I didn't. Take them, Maddie. They're yours."

Her words are both an explanation and a dismissal. Before I leave, I almost turn around and thank her. But I decide against it. After all, these letters were always mine. And now I finally have them.

-

Back in my hotel room, I tear into the first letter, my heart pounding. To my immense surprise, the letter on the top isn't from Jacob. It's from my father.

I settle down on my bed before I read it. I cradle a pillow on my lap, feeling emotional when I see his words.

My Dearest Maddie,

I've sent you a letter already. A small one. I thought it was enough. I thought it would get you here so that I could say the words I've needed to say to you for so long. But now that I've had a few hours to think about it, I've decided to write everything down.

The truth is, I failed you. A father's job is to protect his children. But I never did that. In fact, when I think back on some of the things I said and did to you, I realized, I was the one you needed protecting from.

I only hit you once, a fact I am most ashamed of. But I let you down in so many other ways. There were times when I talked down to you when you needed encouragement. There were times I made you feel small when all I should've done was be there for you or listen to you.

Mostly I'm ashamed of how I reacted to everything with Jacob. I was upset by it but there were so many more important things you needed from me then that I never gave you. I wish I'd never told you to leave. I wish I had gone after you and told you how sorry I was immediately. But instead, I let my anger and pride continuously get in the way of the most precious thing in my life: You.

I've attached this letter with many others that aren't my own. They're Jacobs and they're what prompted me to reach out to both of you after all these years.

I found where I'd hidden them and read them and I've never felt such anger at myself. He wrote them after you left and asked me to give them to you. I never did. I never even tried to or thought about it.

I thought what you had done, your relationship, was something to get back at Lilian and me for being together. I thought you were still angry that I had left your mother for her. But as I read his words, I realized that all I had done was stand in the way of a relationship that gave you so much joy and so much happiness.

That's how Lilian makes me feel. And after a loveless marriage with your mother, all I wanted was for my kids to find that kind of love immediately and skip through all the heartache. But it seems I am the cause of all the heartache in your life. And for that, I am so, so sorry.

Maddie, please forgive me. I love you. And I will never let my pride come between us again.

I love you with every fiber of my being,

Dad

I clutch my pillow tighter as I finish reading the letter. And then I read it again and again and again.

"I forgive you, Dad," I say out loud to my room. If there's an afterlife out there, I hope he is able to hear my words. "I forgive you and I will always love you."