Dust & Gold

20

"When all you know is suffering without the pain, it becomes hard to believe in anything, even yourself," I said calmly. I sat at the table across from Lan Zhan and had a cup of hot tea in my hand. I know this is going to be hard but he needs to know exactly what I am feeling, "when I first arrived at Cloud Recesses, my plans that I had to run away were halted because I met you. I was already so tired and burdened with hiding this condition of mine and I was even close to death's door at that point, but you were there and a bond began to form.

When my condition was exposed, I panicked because I didn't want anyone else to suffer from this. I cannot feel physical pain but now I have someone who can feel it for me. I will always be at the edge of life with a knife tugging at that thin string that is my lifeline. You have to understand that this condition is always going to be with me and I don't ever want it to cause others harm. I don't want to be a burden to anyone because they feel they need to protect me.

Lan Zhan, you and I are connected but not completely. You have a life at Cloud Recesses. You grew up there with a goal to cultivate and grow and maybe even run that place one day. I came along and everything changed. I need consistency. If you are always busy and I have no one else to talk to or be around.

What do you expect me to do?

Do you think that I will be okay with this silent suffering?

I am always told that I am extremely selfless but just this once, I am being selfish. I had to leave because I do not belong in a sect. Rules are a complication to me because I was so bound by them due to my treatment at Lotus Pier. I will always be there to help you if you need me, but I can't be there. I need to be free of that constraint of a sect. I have always had this dream of living how my parents did after they met. My father was a disciple to the Jiang Sect which is way I was taken in by them in the first place after his death. Now that I am old enough to make my own decisions, I want to live free like this. Just like my parents did."

"I understand," Lan Zhan said, "I already told my brother and uncle that I will be with you when I find you. I will have a place at Gusu, but my home is with you, Wei Ying. This is an adjustment for both of us and I want to make us work."

"Are you really okay with being here? Your sect is already in danger due to the Wen Sect. Do you think it's wise to be away when they need you?" I asked.

"I know they may need me, but I need you more," Lan Zhan said, "I know it may not be your place to stay, but will you help us protect the sect? I will be here with you otherwise? I need to be around you. This bond is hard to keep under control when we are so far apart."

"I will help you," I said, "and I will go help when I am needed. The bond seems to be stronger with you than me though."

"It may have to do with your condition that keeps it from strengthening as much," Lan Zhan suggested, "but that is alright. I know that it is you that I want, even without this bond, it will always be you."

"Lan Zhan You-" I paused and sighed, but then only managed a nod. I didn't know what to say. I felt like a terrible partner. I left only a note and nothing more. How could he forgive me so easily?

"Wei Ying," Lan Zhan said pulling me from my thoughts, "I know this is a lot for you. It is a lot for me too. I will be here for you and with you. We will take it a day at a time."

"How can you forgive me so easily?" I asked, "I am being impossible and I left without a word leaving only a note. You must be angry with me, something, anything?!"

Lan Zhan shook his head, "I am not angry because I understand you. It may seem strange or difficult to believe, but this bond is what helps me understand you more. I can sense your presence, anger, pain, and frustration. I can sense when you are suffering and feeling alone. This bond between us came so fast and so suddenly. Normally these bonds take a long time to grow but ours grows stronger each day."

I felt like I could barely breathe right now. He was being so honest and sincere with me. He is telling me exactly how everything is with this bond and how it affects him. I knew that I should do the same but it's hard because I can't feel things like everyone else.

My eyes started to swell with tears and my face felt a bit warm, "I want to be more open like this...but it's hard for me. I wish to feel like you can but I can't. I wish I could understand the world that you live in. I wish I was just a normal cultivator, even a normal person at times just so I can have the luxury of being able to feel things normally," I explained.

"I do not wish for the same," Lan Zhan said, which had me looking at him with confusion. He explained his reasons, "I like you as you are. You are unique and I like that about you. I also do not mind this disability of yours. It lets me help you more as a partner. If it takes longer for you to feel comfortable with anything, I will always be willing to wait for you."

I chocked back a sob that was trying to make its way out, "so what do we do now then?" I asked.

He took my hands from across the table and said, "we will take everything slowly and talk about everything as they come. No more secrets and no more keeping your thoughts to yourself when you need to talk."

I nodded, "I can try."

"That's all I ask of you for now," he said.