Westminster Academy (Part One)

thirty

Does Henry hold me back from what I really want?

I had asked myself that question about a hundred times over the past few days. Mr. Salzman's words had affected me a lot, and as much as I wanted to just dismiss them, I couldn't.

I had pushed these thoughts away for a while, but they had been there already, somewhere in my subconscious. Otherwise Mr. Salzman's comment wouldn't have hit a nerve like that. So I tried to be extremely rational.

Falling in love was commonly known as the classic drug that made you gaslight yourself. I had fallen in love with Henry, and we had built a dynamic that I really enjoyed. I had learned to submit in the right moments, and even though it was still hard to admit, I had discovered that I was a masochist through and through. All that must have led to lots of hormones and excitement, and maybe it had cost me my once so clear focus.

But the goal was still the same. I wanted to go to university, and I wanted to work. I just didn't know how.

There was another thought that I had pushed away until Mr. Salzman had forced it back into my brain: It was January. Graduation was in five months, and nobody knew what happened after that. It was likely that I wouldn't see Henry again once we went separate ways.

The more I thought about it, the more desperate I felt.

Have I been so infatuated that I forgot to fight for my future?

Possibly. But I couldn't make Henry responsible for that. I was grateful that he continued to get books for me from the male section of the library, and he even gave me his notes from class sometimes. But that wouldn't get me into university, would it?

I sighed and hid my face in my hands. Henry was going to pick me up for his football practice in a minute, and I just didn't know what to do. I was definitely not in the mood for small talk with the other girls. We got along, yes, but I was too doubtful of everything right now to hear them gossip about their dominants. I wanted to be more than a girl with a dominant.

There was a knock on the door, and I reluctantly got up to open it.

"Hey, ace" Henry said, gave me a smile and a brief kiss. I tried to smile back, but I felt disconnected from him.

"You okay?" He instantly asked.

At least he's picking up on it.

"Yeah..." I replied, not very convincingly.

Henry frowned. "What's wrong?"

I hesitated. If I felt like Henry was the one holding me back, maybe it wouldn't be the cleverest idea to be so open with him.

Nonsense. It's Henry. Come on.

"I really need to talk to you" I stated and it sounded more determined than I had planned to.

Henry raised his eyebrows. "Sounds serious? Did you misbehave?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, idiot, I really want to talk about something with you."

"Careful with that tone" He admonished, but he didn't sound entirely serious. "I'm afraid we don't have time now, ace, I need to go to practice. But we can talk after, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." I sighed and let him take me to the grandstands.

I couldn't wait for the stupid practice to end. I was tired of sitting here, I was tired of waiting for him. Every minute I sat here waiting was a minute I didn't spend on myself. This was my future, and I had to find solutions. My restlessness grew immeasurably, and I was beyond relieved when Henry finally walked over to the grandstands to collect me.