Behind The Bandages - Dazai Depression Fic -

Black Bed Sheets

!!!TW!!!

SH, unkind thoughts

Black Bed Sheets

I think the reason the voice in your head tells you nobody cares is because it's easier that way. By nature, you have two choices: exist or not exist. By saying nobody cares, you can choose the second option, because by your own advice, it won't affect anybody. And that's because nobody cares.

I think somebody did care about me once, but it was so long ago that I can't even remember what that feels like anymore. And he blew up. I had to scrape his intestines from the tarmac.

'zai-? Earth to Dazai?' I snap my head around, facing Ranpo. 'would you like to weigh in here?'

I plaster on my infamous smile. 'Oh come now Ranpo, you're the world's greatest detective, remember? That means you don't need my help'. Everyone stares at me, unamused.

Kill yourself.

'If you guys will excuse me, I'm going to go on a walk'. Kunikida laughs. 'Since when do you go on walks?'

I stick my tongue out. 'Since when do you laugh?' I say in a sing song voice. 'Text me if there's any developments.'

I head towards the door.

Kill yourself.

'I also need a walk!' I spin around, seeing Atsushi standing up. Fucking great. That's all I need. A bloody cat following me. A cat that can smell blood.

Lie.

'I'd rather go alone if that's okay Atsushi. I have some errands I need to run'. With that, I smile, leaving the room.

Time to go to my special place.

-later-

I enter my flat, throwing my coat onto the stand. I miss, and it falls to the floor. I don't even bother to pick it up. Who gives a shit.

I walk into my bedroom, and begin yanking off the bandages. The reason I joke about suicide all the time is to make people think that I'm not serious. I make it an act. But underneath, it's very much a thing I want to do. But of course, I can't fuck up the agency, which is why I'm looking for someone.

I open my side drawer, pulling out a piece of paper with a scrawl on it. I dial a number.

'Hello, yes, Dazai speaking. I was wondering if you knew anything about a Samuel Beckett?' The number hangs up instantly. Interesting.

I try and redial, but the number says it no longer exists. Very interesting.

I wander into the kitchen, opening a cupboard. I pull the bottle of rum down onto the sideboard. The Romanée-Conti stares at me from the back of the cupboard. I slam it before even thinking about it. No.

I take a swig of the rum, wincing at the taste.

'Never thought you to be a rum guy' I swivel around. Standing there is Ranpo.

Ranpo? Oh shit. My arms.

As elegantly as I can, I spin away from him. Walking towards my hallway. 'What the hell do you want' I say.

I grab my coat from the floor, sliding it on. 'I was just about to head out'.

'We both know that's a lie Dazai, so why don't we have a little talk, hmm?' Fuck. I knew it wouldn't take him long, but less than a week? He really is talented.

'Whatever you say, worlds greatest detective' I say with a smile. We both take a seat in my living room. Ranpo looks around.

'Do you have any sweets?' I shake my head. 'I have rum if you want some'. He laughs. 'Never really liked alcohol. I mean, why drink something that isn't tasty? Makes no sense'.

I shrug. 'It's not so much about the taste Ranpo. It's more the feeling'. I see his eyes track down to my arms.

'What happened?' I knew this would come up sooner or later. And there's no point bullshitting Ranpo. He knows the answer. He just wants to see if I'm lying.

'I cut myself to deal with the stress of work. I'm sure you can understand. I would like to keep this aspect of my life private' He nods, understanding.

'Thank you for being honest with me. It's rare that I see you so forthcoming'. I chuckle. 'I'm a lot more honest than you guys think I am.'

Yeah, like the fact you actually do want to kill yourself.

'What's the real reason you came over here Ranpo?' He huffs. 'Well, if we're being honest, I was trying to catch you out about the self-harm.' I nod, understanding.

'Are you getting help for it?' This stumps me. You can't help a person if they're not a person. After all, I'm not human.

I smile. 'Of course. But again, I would like to keep that private, if possible'. Ranpo nods.

'There's no way for me to know if you're lying about it. But as you told me the truth, I will hold you in good faith'. He gets up, stretching.

'Does anybody else know?' I ask. Ranpo shakes his head. 'Just me. Had a suspicion ever since I met you'.

'So why are you interrogating me now? If you don't mind me asking'. He turns and looks at me, his green eyes bearing into my soul.

'Because I know you're plotting something, Dazai'. He sighs. 'But there's no point in me pressing you. Because then you'll go through a whole charade, I'll pretend to believe you, just so I can keep investigating whilst you keep plotting.' 

He gets up. 'So, I'm going to leave now and just figure it out before you can do whatever it is you are planning' He smiles. 'Bye bye Dazai'. With that, he leaves.

I sigh. Guess I need to change the bed sheet to black again.

-later-

I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I grab a make-up wipe, rubbing away the foundation and concealer. I am greeted with two black bags.

You look awful.

I know, I sigh. I open my bathroom cabinet, revealing a small dagger.

Flashback

Mori prowls around me, grinning. 'Well well well, didn't expect YOU to do this sort of thing.'

I stare at the ground. Maybe, just maybe he won't torture me for this. Suddenly, there's a clatter. I look forwards, noticing a small dagger on the ground.

'If you're going to do it, use something that's not gunna fucking rip out your veins'. I hear footsteps, then the door closing.

End flashback

I take the knife, holding it up to my arm. I stare at myself in the mirror.

One for killing Oda.

Slash.

One for being a failure.

Slash.

One for being a coward.

Slash

One for being a burden.

Slash.

One for not being human.

Slash.

I wash the dagger under the tap, drying it on the towel, and placing it back in the cupboard. I grab the disinfectant, coating my arms, the sting a welcome pain. I then wrap it all up in bandages. Some of the blood begins to ooze.

Glad I changed the bed sheets.