A daughter's quest

THIRTY FIVE

Gray
2 years ago

  I came home at 3am.Taylor is standing in the living room watching TV.I closed the door slowly and put my shoes there.

  “I was waiting for you,”She said.”Till ur still a fucking teenager you're coming at the time I'm saying not at fucking 3 in the morning.”She yelled.

  “Shut the fuck up,Taylor!”I yelled back.My dad had a meeting and he needed to go to London.

  “Till I take care of you,you're going to follow my rules.”She shouted.I went into the living room.She sat up and got closer.”You're drugged and drunk,”She slapped me and pushed me.

  “Taylor,leave me the fuck alone!”I pushed her on the sofa.”You're going to wake the fuck up the whole neighborhood.”I went in the kitchen she came too.”Do we still have Lasagna?”I asked.

  “I threw it so you can't eat it.”

  “What the fuck up is wrong it you?You threw the food so I can't eat?You want me to fucking die?”I asked.

  “You don't know what you're saying.You're drugged and drunk.Your pupils are dilated.”She yelled.

  “You're not my fucking mom!”I yelled back.She getting on my nerves.

  “I wish she was here instead of you!I wish you were dead.You're only causing trouble.”She pushed me on the corner table.The corner felt like someone stabbed me in the back.I caught her hands.

  “You're fucking crazy!”She tried to get the knife from the table.I let her hands go and then went in my room.I closed the door and took my pills so I can sleep tonight.And then I thought about the things she said to me ’I wish you were dead.You're only causing trouble'.She didn't mean it,did she?She's the only I have left but it seems she hates me.She threw the food away so I can't eat.And then I felt my eyes full of tears.So I let them go.I started crying.I never cried like this before.Isn't a sad crying,is a painful one.I feel my heart is destroying herself.Then I went in the bathroom and did it.I took the blade again,after I said I will stop.After mom died,my depression and anxiety got worse.

   I took the blade and I cut.Deeper this time.Another one.Another one next to the others.After I finished I took a shower.A hot shower.My cuts are burning as Hell.I'm sitting on the floor.I lightened a cigarette.

  “Get your ass out of the bathroom!”She yelled.I got up and dressed.I took a bandage and put on the cuts since I wore a t-shirt and she sees them she will laugh at me.She observed the bandage and said:

  “Did you cut yourself?”She laughed.I went in my room and locked the door.”Answer my fucking question!”I unlocked the door and opened it.

  “Yes,do you wanna see it?Do you wanna take a photo and show it to your friends?Do you wanna laugh about it?Go ahead.”I closed the door after her and crashed on the floor.My legs couldn't keep it anymore.

  “Tell me,Gray Reynolds,do you take the blade and drag it on your skin and pray for your courage to press down?”She came closer to my bed. I took her hand and I saw the cuts.

   “And you're fucking laughing at me.”I raised my voice.

   “Look at your own arm asshole.”

   “I'm mentally unstable,we know that,but you?”I asked,"I can help you,Taylor.”

   “But you can't help yourself?”

   “Yeah,something like that”

   “You need to see a psychologist.”

   “I don't have money to do it.”

   “You don't have Cause you're fucking wasting them on drugs and cigarettes.”She screamed again.

   “Just leave me alone.Just let me die alone.”

   “I hope you don't wake up tomorrow.”She left and closed the door.

   “Neither me.”I took another pill.Mom died 6 months ago.Her death changed the family.I changed.Taylor changed.Dad changed.I opened the window and lightened up another cigarette.