• BURN ME •

• 11

Flame

~ Sundara Karma

Flame

I look at Snow in silence. He said he finds it difficult to talk about this Reed. And you can see that, he seems to think about his words for a long time. He has the same expression on his face as yesterday when he told me about his parents. His lower lip trembles slightly, and he wiggles his feet nervously. He looks at me in silence for a few moments before breaking the silence. "Reed is kind of my... ex. I met him when I was fifteen. That was actually the first sign, because he was twenty at the time. It wasn't a very good time in my life. It didn't take long until we got together." He pauses briefly and sighs. I nod slightly. "Reed was attentive, he complimented me. He gave me things, and he was just there and was interested in me. If I'm honest, I was looking for someone in him who understood me. And I really thought... he was that someone. But that was wishful thinking, I..." Snow shakes his head and runs his hand through his hair. I understand what he means. "He was the perfect boyfriend for a while. But at some point he changed, he manipulated me. He talked me into things and made me do things I didn't really want to do. At some point I became dependent on him in some way. He isolated me and told me that he loved me and that no one else loved me. That he protected me and only wanted the best for me." He laughs humorlessly, he wrings his hands. "When I was seventeen, I told him that I loved him. After that, it didn't get better, he got worse. At first, I ignored it because... because when he was there, I wasn't alone with myself." He raises his eyes and looks at me, I nod slightly, his eyes are cloudy and empty. He forces a smile, "he hurt me a lot once. Emotionally and I wanted to break up with him, but... he drugged me. I don't know what it was, I don't want to know. For a long time I didn't know he did it. He made me a compulsive junkie, so to speak, he dragged me into it. It got more and more fucked up, it destroyed me. And Reed took full advantage of that. He hurt me very, very often, physically too."

Snowflake looks at the floor while my hands clench into fists. I don't know this Reed, but that's not how you treat someone you "love." "When he almost killed me once, overdosed. I wanted to get clean, I almost managed it. Shortly before my eighteenth birthday... he showed up again. And as damn naive as I was, I let him in. He said he wanted to apologize, that he wanted to talk about everything." He exhales shakily and pauses for a moment, he's not naive. "I... I don't remember much about that day, I just know that I woke up two days later. On my birthday. In the shower, on the cold floor, naked. Covered in bruises, everything hurt. I don't know how long I lay there. I'm glad I don't know what happened, I showered for hours. And then I saw it..." he pulls up his left leg and rips off the plaster that was stuck to his ankle. Two letters come to light, an R and an E. He looks at me, "the R was the first. He convinced me that I was worthless without him and that I would belong to him. And that now everyone would know. But do you know what was the worst? Not the pain, or the tattoo, no. It was the craving for those pills, I almost went crazy. Until I couldn't take it anymore and called him, he was just waiting for me to do that. And there I was again, right at the beginning." I stare at the big red letters on his ankle, I feel sick when I think about it.

"He got even more brutal, but at a certain point. I didn't give a shit, because if he hurt me. The pain I felt made me forget that I was completely alone in this world. That there was no one left, I didn't care if I died. I learned early on in my time with Reed. That I liked this pain in some twisted and sick way. Because it took away this emptiness from me, so I just let him do it. When I think back on it, I feel nothing but shame. I'm so ashamed of myself, of the things I've allowed to happen." He stops and shakes his head. He clears his throat, "I really thought I was going to die before I turned 20. But I got my act together, pulled myself together. I distanced myself from him, tried to get clean again. He came to me bleeding at night, asking for help. Shit, I should have left him outside. But I let him in, he told me he had problems with his dealer. I asked if he needed money and that if I lent him the money he should get out of my life. He laughed, he looked at me and laughed, Flame."