• BURN ME •

• 38

River
~ Corvyx

Flame

I lie awake in my dark room, my mind consumed by anger and guilt. The events of the day have left my mind in a fog of fury. Tero's initiation was bloody, the guy from the Vipers that Draven brought to the basement. He was one of the guys who put my cousin into a fucking wheelchair, and on top of that, he was a fucking snitch. I hate those guys, to the core. And when he talked about my cousin, that was when I lost all fucking control. And if this wouldn't be bad enough, I also lost control of myself in front Snow, fuck, I know that I hurt my little fire, I have seen it in his eyes. But the worst part is, Snow let me, he fucking let me do whatever I wanted. The anger that still flows through my veins like poison allows me to find neither comfort nor peace. Snow lies next to me, motionless except for his even breathing. His skin is adorned with the marks of my loss of control, in the moonlight his skin looks even lighter. And the dark hickeys and bite marks and stand out, reminding me that I did not have my inner monster under control. I can't help but feel guilty as I look at the evidence of my own violent desires on his skin. In my anger, I only thought about myself. Not about what I could do to him, Mierda. And now, after I've come down from this fury high, all that remains is a disgusting feeling of remorse that spreads in my chest. I reach out to touch his cheek, my fingers lightly tracing the contours of his face. Before I pull my hand back, he deserves better than me. I sit up silently, careful not to wake him. I run my hand through my hair and stand up, grab a pair of sweatpants from my closet, and leave the room. Fuck, I should have pulled myself together. I shouldn't have let it get this far. Creeping down the stairs, I stop in the basement because I know that no one can hear me here.

I hate feeling like this. All this anger, all this damn rage. It's like a fucking hurricane sweeping through my head, sweeping through my fucking soul. I can't sleep, can't think straight, fuck. So what else am I supposed to do? But take it out on the only object that doesn't fight back, the punching bag. The sound of my bare feet hitting the cold concrete floor echoes through the room. I walk over to the worn punching bag in the corner and clench my hands into fists. Without hesitation, I punch hard, feeling the familiar satisfying thud as my knuckles hit the punching bag. I slam my fist into the punching bag, over and over again. Each punch is fueled by the anger and frustration gnawing at me, at my core. The sound of my knuckles hitting the punching bag echoes through the empty room. My head is filled with chaotic thoughts, Santa mierda. As I continue to punch the punching bag, sweat drips from my forehead. Every punch is an outlet for the pent-up anger inside me, a release of the demons that are wearing down my mind. My punches get harder and more desperate. The punching bag swings wildly back and forth, reflecting the chaos in my head. It's a fucking fight I can never really win, a fight against my own demons. My fists hurt, but I don't stop.

I stiffen when I see a shadow in the corner of my eye. I turn around, ready to bring this fucker down. But then I see Snowflake, he is looking at me worriedly. I can't help but look at him, he has thrown one of my t-shirts over himself. And I'm pretty sure that he isn't wearing anything else. "What are you doing here, Snowflake?" I ask him quietly, "you should be sleeping, I'm not good company for you in this state, go back upstairs," I say darkly, almost coldly and dismissive. I don't want to talk to him like that, but if he leaves then I can't hurt him anymore. Snow looks at me with his big blue eyes. He doesn't flinch or look at me like I'm a damn beast. "I'm not leaving you alone like this... I can see how tense you are. Don't send me away, I just want to help you." He says quietly, but doesn't move from the door frame he is leaning against. Anger is seething inside me, "You think you can change me? Do you think you can heal me?" I say sarcastically, he stays calm. But I can see his hand twitching slightly, "I don't want to change you, I just want to be there for you. Like real couples do..." comes over his lips. I growl and clench my hands into fists. "I don't need your damn help, Snow. I don't need anyone. I'm a damn monster, and monsters can't be saved. This isn't a damn Disney film, I'm not a cursed prince." comes darkly over my lips, I'm not what he needs.