Cat and Mouse (Steve Rogers Fanfic)

Step One: Forgiving Yourself

Warnings: angst, feeling broken down, blaming yourself for the people you killed under hydra's command, no fluff whatsoever

Summary: After the events at Wakanda, you and Bucky are placed in therapy to try and work out your feelings regarding Hydra. However, you're not keen on the idea of facing up to the horrors you've caused.

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You have no idea what you're doing here. Bucky and Steve insisted that you come here and start to heal, but you've already done that. Wakanda wiped Hydra from your mind. You're trying to move past it, not revel in it.

"Is this necessary? I'm healed. I've apologized. I've done my part."

"You haven't dealt with the trauma," Bucky sighs.

Bucky drags you into Dr. Raynor's office despite your objections. This is a requirement from Steve and Tony that you must complete in order to go back into society as a normal person. Therapy doesn't always work for everyone, but if you want to show them you're fine, you have to go to this.

"Welcome, Y/N and James," Dr. Raynor says.

"Please, call me Bucky."

"Okay, Bucky. Do you both know why you're here?"

"Because of what happened with Hydra," Bucky answers.

You roll your eyes in annoyance but stay silent. You're going to sit here and not say a word because this shit is stupid.

"How does that make you feel?"

"Terrible, I guess. It's not something I like to relive."

"What about you, Y/N? How does that make you feel?"

Bucky and Dr. Raynor looks at you but you shake your head at her dismissively.

"Pass."

"Would you like to elaborate?"

"Nope." You look over at Bucky and sigh at his disapproving look. "This whole thing is stupid."

"Why?"

"This doesn't really matter if I've already healed."

"Have you?"

"Yes."

"I want you to take a look at some photos."

Dr. Raynor takes out a folder from her desk and shows you pictures from your past. The first one is of Wakanda when you escaped as Vixen. The second one is from the bar you went to where you've left bodies on the flood for Zemo. Three through six are other parts of your life as the dangerous Vixen. Tears form in your eyes but you refuse to let them fall. You look away from the pictures once you've had enough.

"If you were healed, you wouldn't have looked away."

"What's your point?" you sniffle.

"The point is that you need to look at these pictures and not feel guilty."

"Are you done?"

Dr. Raynor closes the file and leans back in her chair.

"This isn't going to work if you won't let it."

"Okay, I'm out of here."

You get up and leave Bucky alone. You walk all the way back to the compound where Steve is waiting for you.

"Hey, how did it go?" Steve asks.

You walk right past him without saying a word to him. You stomp all the way to your sewing room and slam the door shut behind you. Steve is about to go in when you lock the door, preventing anyone from walking in.

"Y/N?" Steve asks and knocks on the door.

When you give him no answer, he decides to give you some space. Bucky comes home two hours later, and Steve approaches him slowly in case he has the same reaction as you.

"How did it go? Are you going to slam a door in my face, too?"

"She won't face it." Bucky walks to the kitchen to crack open a beer and Steve follows him. "She knows what she did was wrong, but she wants to bury it instead of deal with it."

"Maybe I can talk to her."

"Yeah good luck. I have the same trauma as her, Steve. She's not budging."

"We'll see."

Steve gives you a few more hours of space before he heads to your sewing room. This time, it's unlocked but he still knocks on the door and waits for your permission to enter.

"Come in," you say quietly.

Steve enters the room and sees you've made a lot of different clothing from shirts to dresses to additions to others' suits. You're at the sewing machine working on some pants with your hair in a messy bun and a thimble on your thumb.

"Can we talk?"

"About what?" you ask distractedly.

"You know what. Therapy is going to help you."

"If you're going to talk about that, then you can leave."

Steve walks over to you, kneels on the ground, and gently takes your hand away from the machine. Steve has always been good at making speeches, and you know he's going to make a damn good one right now. You refuse to look at him but that's not good enough for him. He reaches up and gently pulls your chin so you're facing him.

There are already tears in your eyes.

"It's going to hurt and you're not gonna like it, but you are better than what they made you to be."

"How can I face this? I hurt so many people and I didn't apologize enough. I'm a killer. People are dead because of me. How can I ever apologize to them? To their families? Tell me, Steve, how can I make it right?"

"The first step to healing is forgiving yourself."

The first step to healing is forgiving yourself.

"Will you go with me tomorrow?"

"Of course."

The next day, you and Steve head over to the office. She had an opening in her schedule to fit you in since you're on a weekly schedule with her. You're nervous but you know you have to do this.

"Welcome in." You and Steve get settled in the chairs across her desk. "This is a private meeting."

"I want him here. Please," you whisper.

"Alright. I'm glad you're here. Let's start easy. How are you feeling?"

"Tired," you sigh. "Exhausted. Wakanda erased the trigger words from my head, but they didn't erase what I did. I can never take that back. I've hurt a lot of people. Please tell me how I can make this go away."

"Well, healing is different for everyone. Some things I've noticed help people is writing letters to the people they've hurt."

"Some of them are dead," you whisper painfully.

"Write them anyway. Take those letters and burn them. It's a way of cleansing yourself of the memories and the pain."

"What if it doesn't work?"

"Then we try something else. We will not stop trying until we find something that works for you."

"Okay, I'll try."

This better be the start of truly healing because you don't know how much longer you can go with feeling like complete shit.