--My POV—
I've been cranky for months. The pain is still here and there's nothing to stop it. I just can't stop thinking about him. I can't. I just want everything to go back to the way it was before. Where we were happy, where he remembered everything, and when he knew how much I love him. It's not that I'm falling out of love with him, I'm falling more in love with him. I'm just not ready to go onto the next.
I was cutting fruit in the kitchen when Leah came and sat on the other side of the counter. We talked a little then she popped something up,
Leah: 'Kai, stop trying to convince yourself you don't love him anymore.'
Me: I'm not trying to convince myself that I don't love him. I'll always love him.
Leah: then what are you doing?
Me: I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not afraid to let go, even if I am. Do you know how it feels to let go of someone you really love for a long time, just for them to be happy?
Leah: yes. yes i do.
She looked at me in disgust and then her face softened and she left.
I can't take this. Every time I back sass people, they think I'm getting my anger out on them because of Seth. NO, I'M NOT. Well, I don't know maybe. It's just, I've been holding in a lot of things that there's a point once in a while where I just explode. But no one knows what I actually think about anymore. Blocking out all my thoughts from everything is hard, but it gives them a piece of mind.
I wish I could stop thinking period.
People ALWAYS ask me why I don't just date again. This is how I respond, in my head. Because if I'm afraid to let go, it means I'm not ready to see something new. But in reality, I just shrug my shoulders and walk away. I'm tired of people's sympathy.
