"Church girl, don't hurt nobody.."
Pastor's wife trapped in an arranged marriage with repressed feelings about her sexuality. She's always been able to keep a great poker face but what happens when she meets, Beyoncé..
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I thought we'd be together forever. It felt like the universe had conspired to bring us together, to make us a team. But now, sitting here alone, I can hardly believe how quickly it all unraveled. Every little thing reminds me of her.
Why is it that love, that once felt so certain, can turn into this hollow ache so quickly? I miss her so much that it almost scares me, but I also know that this was my own doing. I had no one to blame but me.
These feelings of guilt that I have about how I choose to live won't go away just because I decided to end the best thing that happened to me.
I realized last night that nothing will change without work. It brought me to an old saying of 'prayer without work is dead'. It was important for me to work on myself.
Of course Beyoncé was on my mind and I wanted nothing more than to beg for her forgiveness, but before that I needed to learn how to forgive myself.
"Most people who struggle with religious guilt have a hard time recognizing it because of how deeply rooted the guilt lies.." The therapist trailed off and I nodded bracing myself for whatever she'd say next.
Therapy was very new to me, but I was willing to do anything to rid myself of the weight I felt on my shoulders. I wanted to live my life how I pleased without being worried about other's opinions.
"Tell me some of your worries with fully immersing into being yourself unapologetically.."
"Um—other people's opinions I guess. I mean when it's just Beyoncé and I or I guess when we were together I never worried about anyone else, but the idea of being judged. Freaks me out."
"And that's it? Just other people?" She asked and I nodded. She nodded as well before writing some things down in her notepad.
"Outside of your sexuality what are some other ways you behave differently?"
"I cuss a lot more now and I dress less conservative." I shrugged.
"Okay and so you feel the same about those in terms of other's opinions?"
"At first with my clothing I did but now I really enjoy showing more skin and wearing tighter clothing to the point where it doesn't matter. As for cursing it's pretty much the same, I don't use that language that much for me to feel judge."
"Hm—so those things feel easier for you...why do you think that is?" She asked and I shrugged before looking down at my hands.
"I-I don't know. I guess it's something I've already worked through.." I shrugged again.
"Could it be possible that you feel more at ease doing those things because it's not something you worry about yourself.."
"I guess.." I replied confused at what she was referencing.
