Don't Forget Me

10. i love you, i'm sorry

"We were more than a friend
but less than a couple."
~ anonymous

A piece of me dies everytime I tell someone about Luca because sometimes I can still hear his voice and I still can feel him around me. How he comforts me while I'm still crying over him or how he just sometimes lays next to me in the bed. I can't end the chapter with him, not yet, not until I finally can be happy again. Without him.
I was laying in my bed looking at the ceiling. I covered the heart with a white paper, I couldn't see it anymore since Silas saw it. My heart sank everytime I just looked at it. I missed Luca although I found many new friends, Cami and Silas. But I still just couldn't get over it.
As the sun slowly started to sink and it slowly got dark I started to get ready for bed. I checked my messages one last time before slowly falling into a deep sleep.

"You're depressed." Luca said as we laid on his bed. I didn't felt okay, I felt sick and empty. It was the 3rd December and I hated December. December was cold and it reminded me of the death, and i hated the death. "I'm not depressed." I said and looked at him. He always said that but he just didn't knew me, he only knew that i hated the cold weather but he didn't really knew the reason. No one knew, everyone thought I'm depressed. "Lilith... Mr Raith is-" "he's not right!" I said a bit louder. My father put me in therapy a few months ago since he also thought I got depressed and I just wanted to escape from everyone. Everyone except Luca, I wanted to stay with him forever. He understood me but sometimes he just couldn't understand things the way I did. I looked at him as he stayed in silence and sighed.
Maybe I was a little too loud.
"Luca... I'm sorry, it's just... you know exactly how much I hate Mr. Raith that's why i don't except from you to talk about him or anything else about him." I looked up at the ceiling to the heart as I closed my eyes.
Deep breathes Lilith, he probably didn't meant it that way. But Luca didn't said a word. Not after I spoke, not seconds later he just stayed in silence and looked at me. A few seconds later I looked at him as he smiled a little. "Fine, I will not say a single word about him anymore." He smiled more and pulled me close. I nod relieved and laid my head on his chest as I noticed his scent. Mango and the scent of rain that smelled so amazing and so peaceful. I loved his scent and he loved mine. Pink tulips with caramel.

I used to just want to get away from here, to leave this city, this country, everyone. But now I know that I need to stay for him, for Luca. I know he would want me to be happy, to keep living for him.
I stared at the picture on my desk, a picture of me and Luca when we were only 5 and 6.
I smile and played with my curls ad I thought about him and all the thing we did together. One time he was scared of a goat in the zoo just because she was hungry. We both were seven but I also was kinda scared to be honest. I stayed behind Luca's Mom until the goat ran away to the other zoo visitors. Or another time were we both got into our parents clothes. After that my father was angry at me but it was the funniest day of my life. We're still young but I have to life this life without him.
A life we always dreamed about living together when we're older. Everything was so easy when we're younger, saying that we will always stay together, making promises that we gonna live together and thoughts about how our live will be when we're older. All that and now I'm just laying here alone, without the one I made the thoughts with.

"When i'm older I wanna help people." I said as I laid with Luca in the grass while watching the clouds. "Maybe I'll be a doctor or a therapist." I said as I looked at Luca. He just kept staring at the clouds as suddenly he said.
"I wanna be a lawyer and wanna have a huge house with a dog, a bernese mountain dog."
I smiled at his reply "a huge house is a great idea buy I also want a pony!" I spoke as Luca chuckled "You'll get as much ponys as you want." He laughed as he ruffled my hair. I laugh and pulled his hand away as we kept staring at the clouds and the symbols they looked like. I only saw monsters and dragons in the clouds but Luca saw so many different things. He saw a heart, a couch with a dog on it and a fairy in these clouds were I only saw dragons.
"That's the fantasy." He said as he looked at me "everyone sees something different in the clouds but not everyone can see something."
"How do you mean not everyone?" I looked at him as he looked back at the clouds. "Not everyone has fantasy mostly the adults except aunt Vanessa." He smiled softly as he mentioned my mum. "She had the funniest and weirdest fantasy." I smiled softly, Luca was a little more than one year older than me so he met my mum. She died a long time ago as she lost the battle against cancer. I was young couldn't even really realise what happened there but it changed my life dramatically. "Aunt Penelope also has a lot of fantasy." I said "my and his mum got great friends after me and Luca met in the kindergarten. We hung out almost everyday even with our moms. They got so close friends just like me and Luca. I smiled as we kept staring at the clouds. Seeing even more dragons and monsters.