I was in shock. I couldn't think of anything anymore. Although I knew to myself that I didn't want Ashton near me kahit na kitang-kita ko sa mukha n'yang gusto n'ya akong lapitan. But I didn't want that. I didn't think I could take it. It felt as if I was looking at a stranger in front of me.
My mind was in turmoil. I felt too numb to feel anything. I didn't even know what to do. Nakatulala lang ako habang patuloy pa rin sa pagtulo ang mga luha ko.
It was supposed to be a good and happy day for me. I woke up this morning feeling excited about my birthday celebration. I spent all day preparing for the party and even ensured that everything would be fine and the guests would be entertained. I wanted this day to be special. Pero nasira ang lahat nang 'yon ngayon.
I guessed the day did become special... but not how I wanted it to be.
I didn't know when Daddy Tim came to the room. Naramdaman ko na lang ang pagsayad ng kung anong tela sa mga balikat ko.I looked up and saw Dad looking at me with sadness and regret in his eyes. He put his coat over my shoulders to wrap me in something. Dahil noon ko lang din napansin na hindi pa rin tumitigil sa sobrang panginginig ang katawan ko.
He put his arm around my shoulders. Naramdaman ko pa ang bahagya n'yang pagpisil sa balikat ko.
"I'll take you to your room," marahang sabi ni Dad.
I just let him guide me outside that godforsaken room. Hindi ko na sinulyapan si Ashton kahit nang makalabas. Tulala pa rin ako kahit na nang makarating na kami sa room ko. I wasn't even sure if someone saw us while we were on our way because I knew that there were still people in the garden. Nakabalot pa rin ang katawan ko ng coat ni Dad, but someone would surely notice the blood stains on my skirt and, of course, how messed up I looked with my tear-streaked face.
Dad made me sit on the end of the bed when we reached my room. He knelt in front of me and checked my arms, as I had blood all over my hands. Maybe he thought I got injured or something. Hinayaan ko lang s'ya sa ginagawa.
My mind still failed to grasp what happened back in that room. Hindi pa rin nagsi-sink in sa 'kin ang nangyayari. It didn't feel real. Pakiramdam ko, wala ako sa sarili kong katawan at nanlalalki ang ulo ko. Wala akong maramdaman.
I just let Daddy Tim take care of me. Feeling ko nga, anyone could do anything to me right now, and I wouldn't even complain. Ayokong gumalaw. Ayokong magsalita. I didn't think I was myself anymore.
"You got a deep cut on your fingers," rinig kong sabi ni Dad bago ako tiningnan. "Wait here. Kukunin ko lang ang first aid kit."
He left the room after that. Napatingin ako sa mga kamay ko. I knew I used my right hand earlier to hold the knife, but for some reason, my left hand got blood too. Kumapit na ang natuyong dugo sa mga kamay ko. Maybe I did have a cut and bled. But I also knew that it wasn't only my blood that was on my hands.
I tried to wipe it on my dress, but I couldn't remove it. The soft pink fabric turned red. Paulit-ulit kong ipinunas ang mga kamay ko sa dress ko. Naging marahas ang naging pagpunas ko roon but I still couldn't remove the blood completely, and I was starting to feel frustrated. Mas lalo lang akong nanggigil sa pagpupunas ng mga kamay ko sa dress ko.
"Shit!" I said frustratedly. "Fuck!"
No matter how hard I rubbed my hands, the blood just wouldn't come off. Napansin ko na lang na may mga butil ng luha ang tumutulo mula sa mga mata ko. I guess I was crying again, or maybe still crying.
Large hands held my wrists, stopping me from doing what I was doing. When I looked up, I saw Dad crouching down in front of me. He had a gentle look in his eyes that was so opposite from what I was feeling inside. I got confused, so I stopped what I was doing and just stared at him.
