This Is My Date...

Part 5

UNCLE SVENGHOULI

Come again?

ENID

We met in jail... I was in for mass murder and Wednesday was in for a triple homicide... We spent our days trading cigarettes and sexual favours until I made her my prison wife and she vowed to break us out. It took Wednesdays horticulture background to tenderly nurture the poisonous plants we used to aid our escape. That and a rusty ratchet we happened to come by. We've been dodging cops and running ever since. This was our last chance to say goodbye to the family before we drive to Mexico to start our new life as outlaws

She looks quickly at Wednesday who's biting her lip then back at Uncle Svenghouli who was struggling to form a word

UNCLE SVENGHOULI

Well... I'm surprised Gomez kept that to himself, he normally gushes about your accomplishments and a prison break would be right up there

ENID

Our faces were everywhere, he's trying to help us lay low

He gives a little nod

UNCLE SVENGHOULI

Ah yes well I suppose that makes sense! Well I wish you all the best on your travels! If the police come knocking I've never seen you

He taps his nose and Enid gives him a wink

ENID

We appreciate that

He walks away and Enid turns into Wednesday with her grinning face in her hands

WEDNESDAY

Enid I must inform you that saying that I'm a mass murderer won't shock any of my family members.

ENID

I imagine it would be the prison wife that would seem unusual

WEDNESDAY

That would be a stretch

ENID

I think I could tie you down

Wednesday smirks

WEDNESDAY

You wish

A small plump woman suddenly grabs Wednesday by the arm and squeals

COUSIN ZELDA

Wednesday Addams! Look at you my little sweetums! Still in need of some hearty meals I see!

Enid mouths "sweetums" to Wednesday as Wednesday glares back at her

WEDNESDAY

Cousin Zelda! It's been too long. May I introduce you to my date for this evening? This is Enid

COUSIN ZELDA

Oh well I wasn't expecting a girl

Enid goes to speak but Wednesday cuts her off quickly

WEDNESDAY

She's not a girl actually. She's a robot. A synthetic I created in my spare time

Enid waits for a second before making a mechanical noise. Wednesday bites her lip to stop herself from smiling

COUSIN ZELDA

OH MY! Well she's very realistic looking! May I touch her?

WEDNESDAY

Go ahead!

She puts a hand on Enid's cheek and squishes it about.

COUSIN ZELDA

So realistic!

Enid waits a few seconds before aggressively pretending to bite her hand

Zelda whips her hand back and jumps. Wednesday tries not to laugh

WEDNESDAY

My apologies. She is programmed to attack. I had to install it after Pugsley "borrowed" her for unauthorised activities

Enid shoots Wednesday a horrified look of utter disgust

WEDNESDAY

Took days to get her clean again... and the smell...

Enid gags. Zelda looks at her

WEDNESDAY

That means she has a low battery

COUSIN ZELDA

Well. That's very interesting Wednesday. Do you have any normal friends?

WEDNESDAY

Why would I need any friends when I have Enid? She does everything I ask her. Wanna see her do a backflip?

Enid's eyes widen in panic and she looks at Wednesday in terror

WEDNESDAY

Or she can get on her knees and beg... like a puppy...

She looks back at Enid and smirks

COUSIN ZELDA

No no that's quite alright. It was nice chatting Wednesday, I'm gonna go mingle. Goodbye Enid

ENID

Uh... Bleep bleep bloop

Wednesday snorts as Zelda walks away

ENID

Jesus Wednesday! A robot?!

WEDNESDAY

Oh please... a glorified sex doll at best

ENID

Even if it's an insinuation, if you ever tell anyone I engaged in sexual activities with Pugsley again...

Wednesday starts smiling and looks behind Enid's left shoulder, Enid follows her eyes and turns to see an opened mouthed Pugsley. Enid matches his shocked expression. He walks away slowly holding hands with some young girl who looks mad

BELLADONNA

Who the hell was that?

PUGSLEY

She's no one. Just an ex who can't move on

Wednesday shrugs at Enid

ENID

...EVER again

Enid feels brush of hair stroke her bare arm as she turns into another one of Wednesday's cousins

WEDNESDAY

Cousin It! Pleasure as always. This is my date Enid

The hairy little creature turns to Enid and starts his symphony of squeaks and squeals and high pitched noises. Enid nods and smiles. Wednesday creases her forehead in confusion

ENID

Of course. That would be amazing. Seriously, I'll get your number from Wednesday, we can meet up when you're in San Fran

Cousin It squeaks again before nodding at Wednesday and shuffling of

ENID

Nice to meet you too!

WEDNESDAY

Hold on a damn second. You can understand him?

ENID

Of course I can. He's part wolf