Pursuing from the Shore (Sun Rays #2)

Chapter 18

Trigger Warning: depictions of suicide and its aftermath. reader discretion is advised.

Entry: Redler's Archive

Thank you for the birthday wishes, siren-eyed guy. I treasure you. More than I probably should.

I hope you don't lose your spark—wherever life takes you. It's such a you thing, that fire you carry like it won't ever run out.

Funny how it was my birthday, yet I found myself making more wishes for you than for me. I hope that if the day comes when colors no longer feel like yours to hold, you'll remember, there was a time you painted everything so easily.

You made things... brighter. You made me feel seen.

And if ever things start to slip, I hope you don't forget that someone once believed in you without asking for anything back.

Even if, someday, I learn to keep my distance.

— aredgate

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Chapter 18

Sinabi ko ang lahat ng nangyari kay Mama. I emptied out every detail of what happened, feeling the weight of Renzler's struggles as if they were my own too. Seeing Mama's tears, I couldn't help but share in her pain, wishing I could have been there to protect and watch over Renzler myself.

I was blaming myself too. I couldn't help but to be bound by guilt because I was the one who's supposed to be there... yet I became reckless and I wasn't able to notice Renz had been suffering like that.

"Sorry, Renz..." Mama's voice trembled, trying to conceal her loud cry.

Binabantayan namin si Renz dito sa kuwarto niya. He's been sleeping for nine hours now. There has been no sign of him waking up since last night.

I find myself feeling agitated now to find a way to stop him from causing harm to himself again. Being responsible for everything feels like a weight on my chest. If anything bad happens to my twin... I'm afraid that the second half of myself would be ripped away.

"Mama, kailangan na natin siyang dalhin sa propesyonal, please," I desperately uttered, feeling a heavy lump in my throat.

"I know, Red... Pero kailangan muna n'yang gumising..." Hinaplos niya ang buhok ni Renz. "Pumasok ka na sa school, baka ma-late ka pa. Ako na ang bahala rito."

Umiling ako. "Ma, hindi. Dito lang ako, kailangan ko rin siyang bantayan."

"Red, hindi ko naman pababayaan ang kambal mo. Sige na, gumayak ka na," she insisted with her desperate eyes.

I didn't argue any longer as I nodded slowly. I just found myself heading out from Renz's room before prepping myself to go to school. I even completely forgot to eat breakfast, and I couldn't even focus on that. My thoughts are consumed with concern for Renz. Nothing else seems to matter right now more than him.

Binuksan ko ang phone ko para tignan ang mga messages na ngayon ko lang nakita. Including Davin's messages after the dinner with his parents.

Isa pa 'yon sa iniisip ko. Attorney Velazco's words totally caught me off guard, and I couldn't seem to digest what he meant. Just the thought and the mention of the name of the bastard man who tore our lives apart, especially Renz's, brings back an ember of my hatred towards him. Hinding-hindi ko siya mapapatawad.

"'Neng, ano ba! Huwag ko munang tumawid!"

Naramdaman ko na lang ang paghigit sa akin ng isang ale na pulubi kaya gumilid ako sa kalsada. My heart pounded in my chest as a horde of vehicles sped by on the highway, taking me unaware at edge.