Pursuing from the Shore (Sun Rays #2)

Chapter 33

Entry: Redler's Archive

I'm sorry.

I know I've said that before, but I don't think I ever said it the way I should have. Not like this, with everything laid out the way it really was.

I'm sorry I hid things from you. It wasn't because I didn't trust you... it was the opposite. I knew you would stay. I knew you would insist on understanding, on helping, on being there, and I was afraid of that.

Afraid for you.

I was afraid of what staying with me would cost you. So I chose for you instead. I let you go because I thought that was the only way to keep you safe.

Natakot ako. Hindi para sa sarili ko—para sa 'yo. Para sa magiging buhay mo. I didn't want your soul to be dragged into something it didn't deserve. You've already been through enough. Your family needs you whole.

And I'm sorry... because in trying to protect you, I made a decision you didn't get to be part of. Selfish pa rin pala 'yon. I kept everything to myself—the threats, the fear, the weight of my father's name. I was already drowning in it, and I couldn't bear the thought of pulling you down with me.

My father... He wasn't just someone I was afraid of. He was someone the whole country learned to fear. A criminal—he has a name people spat out with anger and disgust.

And I was his daughter.

Do you know what that feels like?

To be reduced into something you didn't choose? To be seen as guilty just because you came from the wrong person? People online labeled me like I'm not human but an extension of him.

There were threats, words thrown around so easily, like they didn't realize they were landing somewhere fragile. I wanted to tell you. God, I did. But every time I tried, my chest would tighten. My hands would shake. The words wouldn't come out right. Anxiety took over everything. I didn't even recognize myself back then. I was losing control, piece by piece.

So I ran... and left. I moved abroad with my aunt's help, and for the first time, I was somewhere no one knew my name. I thought that would fix things, I thought distance would make it easier. But healing alone... no one tells you how heavy that is.

I fought everything quietly. Wala ka. Wala ang kambal ko. Wala ang kaibigan ko. At wala ang Mama ko. It was just me, trying to hold myself together on days I didn't even feel real.

I thought I was being strong. But I was just...surviving. And it was hard. God... it was so hard.

Years passed before they finally caught them. Years of waiting, of fear, of not knowing if it was really over. And then one day... I saw him.
Even when he wasn't supposed to be there. Even when he shouldn't have been anywhere near me. I thought he came back to threaten me again. But he didn't. All I heard was a single word "sorry". And then... that was it. The next thing I knew, he was gone dead.

Just like that. There was no answers. It was just a mess of everything he left behind. It was so messed up.

The worst people I've known... they run. They escape. They leave everyone else to carry the damage. And somehow, we're the ones left trying to make sense of it. I broke in ways I didn't know I could. Even my writing changed.

These archives—if you ever see them—aren't clean. They're full of scratches, unfinished lines, pages I almost tore apart. Ink smudged with tears I couldn't stop.

They held me together when I couldn't do it myself. They became the only place where I was still... me. And after everything—after years of trying to rebuild, to breathe without fear, to exist without looking over my shoulder—I think I'm finally learning how to stand again.