Before Descended Afternoons

01

It was dark. I cannot see anything but the darkness that surrounds me and a faint light coming from somewhere. I looked up and realized it was the hazy full moon above. My chest feels tight. I cannot hear anything except the rumbling noises that are grating on my ears. 
 
Pumikit ako. I was slowly sinking. But I didn't care. I wanted more. I wanted more, despite my shivering. I feel like if I put my whole self in there to the depths, it would purify me, take away all of my suffering, cleanse me, and help me purge of the terrible feeling that tarnished me.
 
My chest felt like it was exploding until I couldn't take it anymore and parted my lips. But instead of air, a mouthful of water entered.
 
I was drowning. 

Fleeing was never an issue of urgency in my life before. It wasn't something that was deeply embedded in my being. It wasn't a part of me. Before, I never thought of it. I was a happy kid. I like staying and fighting for my place in a world that I believe I am a part of. 

I had a lot of shortcomings as a son, a brother, a student, as a man, and as a person. I've been questioning myself a lot. I kept on racking my brain, asking myself when did I began to fall off. I kept thinking when did I began to believe that fleeing and escaping was the only way to solve things. I still wonder when it all started.

I used to believe that life was like a vehicle tire. There will be periods when you are on top and times when you are below. It was similar to the ups and downs. That was my principle. It was what I used to believe in and grasp onto to get through everything I'd been through.

With that tire, I knew I will be able to flee. I wil be able to run away and escape.

However, I am still optimistic that people's perspectives will change as they grow older. Everyone's aware about it. Of course, our perspectives would shift.

There was nothing constant in this world, only suffering.

You could survive it, but there's no guarantee it would end there.
 
I had sufferings, too. That is why I am escaping right now. I was fleeing. I couldn't take it anymore. I used to, but I'd grown exhausted of it. It kept repeating, and I couldn't handle it any longer.

But I had a lot of questions on the go.

When did my principles shift? When did I lose faith in the prophecy that I would be saved? I could pray right now, talk to a priest, or ask questions I was curious about, but I knew it wouldn't satisfy my inner being anymore. 

I realized I needed to take action. I had to believe the truth—no one's coming to save me. The heavenly God could, but it was still a prophecy, and I couldn't keep on waiting like a lost child. 
 
I had to save myself. I have to save what's in store in my life. I have to run. I have to escape. 
 
But how could I possibly run away when the tire of my life is punctured? How could I allow myself to focus on dodging everything rather than confronting it?

What if I grew weary of it? Maybe I really tried to face it, but I am only human. I am a person. I'm still a person who is consumed by his own flaws, which he cannot accept and hence flees.
 
I still remember the cold breeze that Tuesday morning, in the third week of March. It was one of those days when the air was misty and chilly from night until morning but sultry and humid in the afternoon. 
 
I had countless reasons why I chose to leave this morning and it's one of them. It's still cold outside, but I just believe that it's the perfect time to finally leave after everything that happened, if my judgement is still on the right track.

"Are your things ready?"

Tumango ako habang nakatingin sa labas ng bintana at pinanood ang mga dumadaan. I can see people from here jogging. Some are walking their dogs. The others are on their driveways, getting ready for work. I've watched this scenario, and I don't know how many times I've grown tired of it. It was like a show that repeated an episode. 
 
It's almost the end of the month, but it's not any different from how it started. I look the same. I still feel the same. The weather's still the same.
 
I'm just like the scenario outside my window every morning. Paulit-ulit lang. It's like I'm in a time loop. I can't do anything but be stuck in the same state.
 
"You're leaving in a minute. Labas ka na ng kwarto," Ma told me before leaving my room hurriedly.
 
I wanted to cry. My tears felt like they were escaping, and my throat hurts, as if there's something stuck in there. But my face remained blatant as I stood up from my bed and got my things. 
 
It's been a week since my doctor told Ma that my asthma has gotten worse. My lungs need fresh air. Given what happened, the city is doing little to no good. Thankfully, my doctor made this suggestion because I've been pleading with Ma to let me leave. 
 
Ginusto ko naman 'to. 
 
I threw my last glance at my room and closed the door, then made my way down the stairs. On my way, I saw my little sister playing with her best friend. I just patted her and kissed her forehead before I said goodbye.
 
"Bye, Nadi." Ngumiti ako sa kanya tsaka sa kalaro niya. Hindi niya ako pinansin at pinagpatuloy lang ang pakikipaglaro. Napailing ako. Typical Nadia. Iniwan ko na siya roon sa living room at lumabas ng bahay habang hila-hila ang maleta ko. 
 
My chest heaved as I saw Ma go inside the car and start the engine. I turned to both sides of the road, my grip on my baggage tightening. I don't know what I was thinking. I was a fool for expecting that someone was going to come and bid me goodbye. At least not after all that occurred.