Before Descended Afternoons

22

Trigger Warning: This chapter includes SENSITIVE CONTENTS such as sexual assault, foul words, violence, bullying, homophobia, self-harm and death

Each time I'm traveling on land, or in a bus, van, or family car, I have a habit of looking out the window for entryways on a road we'll be passing and wondering where they could go.

I've always passed so many of them, and I've never stopped thinking about what would happen if I tried to get into one. I often anticipate what awaits me at the end of those roads. I'm always curious about what surprises await anyone that enters and walks through it.

There are so many roads, crossings, and intersections, but I've never tried to enter any of them. I never had the courage to try to convince every driver to pull over because I wasn't the sole passenger in the car. I wasn't the only one they were taking to where I needed to be. They can't put me first because it wasn't part of their job.

The roads... they aren't my destination. They aren't the direction I should go.

I'm meant to take the most frequented roadways.

It was my destination.

My life is planned.

Hindi pa ako pinapanganak, pero meron nang daan na para sa'kin. Meron nang destinasyon na dapat kong marating kung saan ako mamamalagi.

At doon lang ako pupunta. Wala nang iba.

I never got to travel the roads we passed through. I wasn't granted permission to. I wasn't expected to go through any of it, and I think it made me believe I'm less of a person. I become someone I never expected to be... Someone who couldn't accomplish anything for himself, couldn't decide what was best for him, and couldn't think about anything other than the things that had broken him.

Wala akong magawa. Pero sinubukan ko.

Sinubukan ko.

That's the only thing I could muster to say after everything happened.

Sinubukan kong layuan sila. Sinubukan kong iligtas ang sarili ko. Sinubukan kong... itago ang lahat.

Pero pakiramdam ko nakatanikala ako. Hindi ako makaalis sa pwesto ko. Ang daming mga mata na nagbabantay sa'kin at sa bawat kilos ko. Hindi ako makagalaw nang maayos, takot na masigawan sa kilos na magagawa ko.

Sobrang hirap. Sobrang nakakatakot. Ramdam ko na anumang oras ay malalaman ng lahat ang tinatago ko.

I still couldn't accept it. I feel ashamed. I feel dirty. I feel like a slut. I feel so immoral. I feel less of a human. Sobrang nakakababa ng dignidad.
 
It felt like I wasn't a human being at all. I wasn't sure if I was even living. I simply breathe and go through each day as if I'm not being eaten by my anxiety and agony. I have no will to continue living normally and doing the usual things humans do. I have no will to live anymore. All of my courage in pulling my body from the bed was only driven off by my father's roaring voice. 
 
Ayoko nang lumabas. Hindi ko kaya. I couldn't get out of my room. I couldn't go anywhere without the overwhelming thoughts engulfing me every damn time. I was almost losing my sanity because it was so hard to keep it all in. It was so hard to hide from everyone. It was so hard to be cautious of everything. It was like I get to see each day only for me to cry about how people see me and about everyone's perception of me. I was dying to know what's going on in their minds as they looked at me, wondering if they knew everything I was hiding.

It was killing me. Para akong mababaliw kakaisip sa iniisip ng lahat ng tao tungkol sa'kin. Para akong mamamatay dahil punong-puno ako ng takot at kaba na baka may alam sila. Parang masisiraan na ako ng bait. Palala na ako nang palala.