Before Descended Afternoons

20

I looked down to the river and held on to the railings. My fingers were trembling as I gripped it, while I could feel the blood in me rising like magma in a volcano. It caused my heartbeat to race, unsure of what I'm about to do... or what I have to do.

I tried to move— to budge my feet and lift them so I could proceed with what I came here for. But I couldn't do it. Hindi ko mahanap- hindi ko makapa sa sarili ko. Hindi ko pala kaya. Ayoko nang gawin. I let go of my grasp on the railings and slowly leaned my body on them instead, as I could feel the weakness taking over. My knees were wobbly, and tears kept coming out of my eyes. I bit my lower lip, stifling the sobs that were trying to escape as I crouched and let the pain wash over me.

"Aio."

I froze after hearing that voice. I wiped my tears while my back was still facing him. When I collected myself, I hastily stood up, holding on to the railings for support. Paalis na ako nang hawakan niya ako sa kamay ko. I looked down on it, refusing to face him.

"Let me go."

"Tatakbuhan mo 'ko ulit?"

Yumuko ako. "You don't understand..."

Rinig ko ang malalim niyang paghinga na halos maramdaman ko na ang pagtaas-baba ng dibdib niya. Mas humigpit ang mainit na kamay niya sa kamay ko. I looked at his hand, and I saw bruises and blood on it. I was scared to look at him, but I still lifted my gaze to see his face.

It was blank. He was staring at me, and I did so with him. I was so focused on my pain and agony that those days seemed to fly away before I even knew it. But as I locked my eyes with him, I knew it was long. The two weeks that passed felt so long, if I'm going to think about him. His stares made me realize how much time I wasted hiding from the world and from him. I kept him in the dark and away from the truth about me because I was afraid of how he would react. I was afraid he'd abandon me. I don't want any of it.

His dark brown eyes made me realize how I tried to bury the longing I had inside me. But I knew he had something else on his mind. He's disgusted with me. It hurt, but I won't beg for him to change how he reacted. I was okay with that. I'm used to watching people turn their backs on me with their disgusted faces, leaving imprints on my mind. It broke me and made my soul bleed as the blood swallowed me disturbingly, but it won't make me stop them from abandoning me.

"You don't understand, Gi." I turned my back away from him and took a step. I don't know what to feel anymore. I was mad—I'm scared—I'm—I'm just so tired. What occurred could affect him badly. What if Soth's family sues him? Anong gagawin niya? What if the police arrest him again? And it was all because of me. It was all because I couldn't fight for myself.

"You're not thinking of yourself. What if his family sues you?"

His expression darkened. "Mahalaga pa ba 'yon? Tangina niya—"

"Of course, it's important! Just think! Isipin mo naman ang sarili mo! Don't tarnish yourself more because of me! And it's just not right for you to get arrested for something that I caused."

"Wala nga akong pakialam! Sirang sira na ako matagal na! Bakit, natatakot ka bang maaresto ako—"

"Are you hearing yourself? Gi, you—you physically assaulted him! Pwede kang makasuhan. How can it be any different from what he..." I couldn't continue what I'm about to say, feeling the sudden lump in my throat. Napasabunot ako sa buhok ko at umiwas ng tingin. I shook my head, giving up. "You don't understand."

"Anong hindi ko maintindihan, Aino?" He walked and stood in front of me, blocking me. I looked at him, and his face was grim. He looked mad, too. "Pwede bang 'wag muna 'yan ang isipin mo? Ang... ang tagal mong hindi nagpakita sa'kin. Ang tagal mo akong tinaguan—"