Before Descended Afternoons

05

They said time is an illusion. Whoever first said that, I think, maybe, was having an excruciating agony with how he's feeling like the time is passing before he could feel it in his hands; before he gets to take a grasp of it and actually live at the moment, not thinking of the past; not thinking of the future; but just now. 
 
I wish I could live at the moment, too. I wish I could just focus on what's at present—with what I'm supposed to do while I'm here in this town. 
 
But how could I do that when I don't even know why I came here in the first place? For what? I merely wanted to escape. I merely wanted a new beginning somewhere else where I could breathe. And spending days and weeks here made me realize that this place wasn't actually included in some lists that I've made while I was lying in my hospital bed for two months. 
 
I wish I could just forget what I came here for. It doesn't feel enjoyable to spend your time in a place where you're supposed to heal when all it's bringing you is clones of what you had and what you used to have in the past. 

"Tumawag nga pala ang mama mo, Aino." Auntie's voice interrupted my thoughts. I was brought back to the present as she spoke. I turned to her.

"Ano pong sabi niya?"

"Nangamusta lang. Sabi ko nga ibibigay ko ang phone sayo para makapag-usap kayo. Kaya lang, next time na lang daw. Tatawag na lang daw siya ng bukod."

"Ah." Tumango na lang ako.

Auntie cleared her throat. "Nga pala. Kumusta naman ang pag-punta kina Jere?"

"Okay naman, auntie. Mabait po sila lahat, mostly his mom katulad po ng sinabi niyo sakin."

She nodded, smiling. "Buti naman andun mama niya. Next time na punta mo d'on, sasama kami ng uncle mo."

"Po?" Next time? Why is there a next time?

She looked at me a for a second. "Bakit? Ayaw mo ba?"

Iniwas ko ang tingin. "Hindi naman po." Tipid kong sagot.

She nodded. "Buti naman. Na-meet mo na ba si Alina? Naku ang ganda-ganda talaga ng batang 'yon." She excitedly said.

"Ah, opo. She's fine. Nakita ko rin po iba niyang kaibigan."

"Mababait naman y'ong mga 'yon, don't worry. Gusto talaga namin ng uncle mo na magkaroon ka ng friends dito. Paalala rin 'yan ng mama mo. Sabi niya wala ka raw masyadong kaibigan sa inyo? Hindi nga ako naniwala kasi sa pagkaka-alala ko, marami kang naiwan na kaibigan rito noon."

I stayed quiet as she talked. "Oo nga pala. Anong tingin mo kay Jere? Okay ba siya? Ilang beses mo na rin nakakasama 'yun. Akala ko talaga matatandaan mo siya, eh. Mag-kaibigan kayo n'un n'ong maliit pa kayo."

"He's okay po."

I think he's okay.

I just think I need a little more time.

We arrived at the grocery store. There were many people around. Sinamahan ko si auntie mamili. I was the one pushing the cart while she chooses what to put there. She also met a friend at nag-usap pa sila kaya medyo natagalan. When we're done putting everything we need in the cart, dumiretso na kami sa cashier to pay. Unfortunately, there's a long line so I got so bored. Kausap pa rin ni auntie yung kumare niya habang nakapila kami. I just counted inside my head and when I couldn't last the boredom anymore, nag-paalam muna ako kay auntie para lumabas.

"Auntie, labas lang po ako saglit." She just nodded and smiled at me and continue talking with her kumare.

I went out of the grocery store and exhaled. There's so many people inside, it made me stressed. 
 
I started walking. I don't have any idea where I'm going now. I could just stay outside the grocery store, but it's too hot there, and I know it'll still take a long time before Auntie gets to pay at the cashier because of the long line.
 
I just walked until I reached a familiar alley. It was the alley leading to the bookstore. I remembered the book attendant. I also remembered what Jere told me about him—that I had to avoid him because it's dangerous to be around him.