Before Descended Afternoons

18

Trigger Warning: Vulgar words, SA

It was true when they said time flies fast when you're doing fine and when you're happy.

It was really true. I didn't even notice that it had already passed, and now I'm watching my life crumble down to pieces, if that's possible.

"Aio!"

I ran. Gi was calling my name, but I didn't stop. I need to get away. I bumped into countless people walking towards me, and apologizing left my mind, which's currently in a haywire. My mind turned blank, almost black, frozen in time when I saw that face that I was trying to erase from my system.

It was impossible. I thought I had already gotten away. I thought I was already on my way to being okay. I was all wrong. I was all wrong again! And at this point, I'm just so disappointed. I'm so disappointed in myself that I couldn't stay in front of that person. I couldn't protect myself. I was afraid! I was still frightened of him! I haven't moved on. Fuck, ano na ang gagawin ko?

Nanlabo ang mga mata ko, habang ramdam ang pag-agos ng luha sa magkabila kong pisngi. Pero tumakbo pa rin ako. Hindi ako tumigil. Na parang matatakasan no'n ang paghihinagpis ng loob ko, pati na rin ang pagkabigo sa sarili ko.

I failed myself. Akala ko ayos na... Akala ko okay na. Nakalimutan ko na. Masaya na ako. Kumportable na ulit ako sa mga tao sa paligid ko.

Pero ang lahat ng 'yon ay tila ilusyon lamang. I want to laugh. I must be losing my mind, because why the hell did I let that get into my head? Where did I get the idea that I'd be fine? That I was okay?! I'm fucking delusional!

My leg got caught on something, which made me lose my balance and fall on the hard ground. I tried to stand up, but the pain was so great that all I could do was close my fists and use them for support.

I couldn't get up. I could feel people's eyes on me while my tears streamed down from my cheeks to my jaw.

Fuck it.

I held on to a post and tried so hard to stand up. I was able to, but when I took a step, I knew I was about to fall. I was waiting for my body to fall on the same ground I got up from when a muscular arm pulled my waists and supported my weight, keeping me standing.

"Aio..."

Ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko. Nakalimutan ko rin na hindi na pala ako nakakahinga. When I heard that voice, everything calmed down, and my surroundings seemed to slow down before my eyes.

Gi covered me with his arms, like he's protecting me. I don't know what pushed me, but I just found myself crying on his chest, my shoulders heaving as I tried to breathe in between my sobs. I cried. He didn't say anything; he was just quiet, and all I was thinking was asking him if it was going to be okay. If I'm going to be fine.

Gusto kong itanong kung totoo ba 'yung mga nagdaang linggo. Kung totoo ba lahat ng naramdaman ko. Because at this very moment, I was doubting everything that I had in me. I was doubting my mind. I was doubting if it was true that I finally got to call someone a friend after the past that burned me a lot until I'm left with ashes. Gusto ko lang itanong... pero baka sobra na. Baka masawa na siya.

Gi is a wonderful man. People failed to see it, and it wasn't his fault anymore. I saw it, and right now I don't want to tarnish the bright side he has that he has kept hidden for so long. Ang tingin ko na lang ngayon sa sarili ko- madumi. Gusto kong pag-pira-pirasuhin ang katawan ko hanggang sa maramdaman na wala na ang dumi na pilit kumakapit sa'kin hanggang sa kaloob-looban ko.

I got off his hug, my lips trembling as my bloodshot and teary eyes caught his, and when it did, I pushed him away. His lips parted, hurt, and he crossed his eyes, staring at me and asking why I did that.

I shook my head slowly while I wasn't breaking my gaze with him. He's already besmirched in this godforsaken downtown. Ayoko nang dumagdag pa. I don't want to drag him through the mud. Diring-diri ako sa sarili ko. At alam kong ganun din ang mararamdaman niya sa oras na malaman niya ang lahat. Hindi ko dapat kinalimutan 'yun. Ang tanga ko.

I turned my back on him, trying to run, but my leg was hurting. I cried, biting my lips while I was walking away from him. I hadn't gone far when I felt his hand holding my wrist. I turned my head toward him and pulled it.

"L-let go." My voice was shaking. He didn't listen. He was just staring at me deeply, his eyes almost scrutinizing my inner being.

Ayaw niya akong bitawan.

"Please let go, Giovan Ybrahim," I seriously uttered.

That made him lose his grip on me. His expression was startled upon hearing his name, as if I had slapped him. I just turned my head back in front and walked away.

I left him standing there. I left, thinking I had done the right thing. I hope it's the right thing. If not, I would surely lose my mind.

"Aino? Bakit andito ka na?" I heard Auntie's voice getting nearer as I lifted my feet towards the front porch of their house. Hindi ko namalayan na nakarating na ako rito. I was almost out of my mind on my way here. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know how I arrived here safely. I was in such a such a deep daze that I couldn't fathom what was happening.

It could be a different person. I want to think like that. I want to just leave it that way. I wish I could just do that.

But I knew what I saw. I knew... yet my mind couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept it. Hindi ko kaya.

My hands were trembling, and I only noticed that when Auntie held them. No, it was my whole body that's trembling. And I was catching my breath.