Before Descended Afternoons

16

I couldn't see the rough side of him at that moment. It was different; strange... and comforting.

I never thought there would be a time I would see this part of him. It was surprising and I'm flabbergasted with it, but if this is the only way that I would get to witness each part he has, being surprised isn't a big deal.

His gaze was soft. It was enough to diminish every single thought that crossed my mind; the hesitations, doubts, assumptions—including the things that I was supposed to do and uphold. Nawala na lang bigla sa isip ko.

He was right. Kaya niya ngang alisin ang gumugulo sa utak ko. I don't know how he could do that.

"I'm not your responsibility. I understand, so you don't need to say that."

He bowed and returned his gaze on what he's doing. Natahimik na kami pareho.

"Ituloy mo 'yung pagpa-ayos nung treehouse. Tutulong ako." He brought the topic back again.

"It was too dangerous. I don't think I can climb that again." I muttered.

Tumingin siya sa'kin saglit at agad na ibinalik ang tingin sa ginagawa. "Kaya tutulong ako sa pag-renovate," He stopped then continued. "Para makasiguro na maayos ang pagkakagawa."

There was silence at my end again. Is he telling the truth? Should I expect something here? Am I... allowed to even expect?

Pinagmasdan ko siya. If I didn't know the guy, I would think just like everyone else. He's a part of a gang. Someone who does dirty work—like killing. It made me realize that my judgment was almost built like that of other people—that I was taught and grew up to perceive a person through their appearance. What a shame. 
 
My father had always been a role model for me as a child. I used to believe that my idealistic tendencies stemmed from him. He was a good guy. He has a good job and a wonderful household. He reminded me to do good and avoid anything or anyone who appears nasty or bad. It felt as if dad was urging me to avoid people who appear to be evil only because of their appearance in order to prevent conflicts that could taint our surname. Ilang beses sinabi sa'kin ni Pa na 'yan ang isa sa pinaka-ayaw niya na masangkot ako. Ang makihalubilo sa mga taong mukhang gagawa ng gulo. 
 
He was correct, though. Bad people can be identified based on how they dress and present themselves. Thugs are easily identifiable among regular folks. Hooligans, criminals, and ruffians—lahat na ng uri nila. But then I discovered they were also humans. They are expected to withstand whatever the world has in store for them. They became that way because they had a life to fight for. Kahit sa maling paraan. Kahit makasakit sila ng ibang tao. They turned to something that maybe they didn't expect to be when they were younger—having dreams of having a good and pure life. 
 
Not everyone was born in the same state or status. We weren't born in the same environment. We are molded and influenced by the people around us. By the people who raised us. Hindi tayo maaaring mamili ng pamilya na kalalakihan. Hindi pwedeng piliin ang buhay na pabor sa'yo, no'ng sanggol ka pa lang. Hindi rin maaaring piliin kung sino ang mag-sisilang sayo, kung sino ang magiging magulang mo. 
 
I don't want my judgment of others to consume me until I'm a mature man. I don't want to uphold my father's viewpoint that I should treat people based on their appearance. I don't want to immerse myself in anything he taught me. I was practically sinking in deep, and I was still struggling to get out. I'm still attempting to break free from his adverse perspectives and slants.

I want to be different. I do not want to grow up like him. I do not want to be like him anymore. Role models are meaningless. You can move forward to have the freedom to select and strive toward the person you want to become. You are in control, but it is up to you whether you want to involve those around you. It would still rely on the type of individuals they are, so ultimately, it is up to you.