The Door Number 28

Chapter VI

I don't know how many minutes passed, after being immersed in my misery. It can't be, I must leave this building or I will go crazy, I am repeating over and over again my words, I have a crisis, I don't know what to do, I look with bewilderment and despair at every corner in search of a possible answer without being something satisfactory, I don't know what is happening here.

I don't want to be here, my eyes fill with tears, as I touch my hundred with my fingertips this with undeniable desperation as if something inside me can produce such an answer, what's wrong with everyone, without realizing it's been a while and by then I started talking too loud and the most frightening thing, until this moment only my echo was accompanying me.

I try to get up from the floor where I was lying without any form, I did it very fast, I felt even dizzy, at the moment and with an impulse without knowing what else to do then I pass, I did it, I ran like crazy, without sense or fixed direction, I just want this torture to end once and for all, in my great state of agony, I feel useless, I don't know how to manage my emotions, the dizziness that was only an initial symptom intensified, I feel my throat burning, I don't know what is happening to my body, it was as if for an instant it was not mine, but what the hell is happening to me, what is this idiocy as if it is not mine, whose could it be?

I could not go on, I stopped suddenly, I was agitated, suddenly, I vomited, but it was strange, nothing solid came out, it was as if it was only water, but I did not pay much attention to it, I had bigger problems to notice something like that, my priority was to leave this place once and for all, I wiped my face again to remove the vomit residues.

For a few moments, I remained silent, I don't know how much more time passed, while I was doing this I was slowly throwing myself back on the floor, I have no idea of the sense of space-time here, I just want all this to end, I want to get out but I don't know where the exit is, I feel like I'm in a labyrinth where my main enemy is my mind, I doubt if the aberrations I observe are as true as the ones I felt and made every centimeter of my body shudder, to know if that feeling is reliable about this whole place, maybe I can throw myself on the floor and lie down to die, maybe someday someone will find me dead and covered with worms, maybe just like that girl on the couch, what number was the door?, Well it doesn't matter, this is very funny, I'm talking to myself, I have the most interesting monologue of my existence, maybe I have to think what will happen with my life from now on, it would be good to leave a will, but I don't even have children, for that I must also have something to leave, some object of value and I have nothing, well leave a written legacy, something that is mine, for that I should collect what I have learned during my life, who am I kidding my life has not been so fun, with a low paid job, it has been quite miserable, not very intrepid.

My monologue, come to think of it, reflects a deep reflection on confusion, anxiety and the search for meaning in the midst of uncertainty. I guess I'm not so demented I smiled, this time after running and still lying on the floor with the vomit in front of me just a few inches away, I'm philosophizing trying to make sense of what I really feel, but what the hell good would it do me to be stuck in all this rubble, surrounded by spider webs, insects and maggots for rotting garbage, although I must admit that there were corners that were in pretty good condition, that would be a good way to see the reflection of our own inner self.

I lay my head on the cold wall behind me, and look at the ceiling, dimly lit, there were leaks that I never noticed, I never noticed as if any of them fell on me, and suddenly they fall on my face, in the center of my head a few drops, it must be a joke, what a nuisance, it gives me an irrational anger but at the same time I feel that it makes me want to laugh. 

There is nothing else to do but to see the other side, I am filled with an inexplicable energy, I don't know how or where it came from but I feel that I can walk, enter through another door, go out and walk, re-enter another one and continue, I want to get out of here, I pat myself, I encourage myself, I stop feeling miserable although I know that depending on the situation I find and observe I will feel the same, it doesn't matter, with an energetic jump I stand up, now I will go to fight with the drop that a few minutes ago fell on my face, I walk and I think I continue aimlessly I stop and start thinking, I proceed to meditate my words and then I release it out loud "sometimes, expressing our thoughts, can help to better understand our emotions." If I need to talk more about this, that's definite.