Broken Trust

Chapter 18

It is now morning. Last night I got the courage to actually go back to my hotel room. I get up from my bed immediately. I am in a long shirt that stops at my thighs and only in underwear. I go to the kitchen area; I find resources to make breakfast.

I set all of the ingredients I may need to make pancakes. I didn't even know I had all of this. I shrug and giggle. I quickly run to my Bluetooth speaker and blast "I hate myself for loving you." By Joan Jett.

I start dancing as I am making pancakes. I bob my head up and down and shake for a while as I am mixing up pancake mix.

I choose to ignore everything that happened yesterday and keep going. I start jumping up and down screaming out the lyrics: "I think of you every night and day! You took my heart, and you took my pride away. I hate myself for loving you! Can't break free from the things that you do! I wanna walk but I run back to you. That's why I hate myself for loving you."

I keep bobbing my head up and down as I am bounce myself on the floor as the song goes on. What I hadn't realized in the moment is that it is 7 in the morning.

Once I realized I slap my hand onto my mouth grinning. I laugh so loud as if I don't have a care in the world. I feel like I might be going crazy, but no I am just happy. Though we know that's a lie.

I hear the door barge open, and I have a jump scare as I yelp. My hand is on my chest feeling my pounding heart. I see John looking at me like I am an insane person.

He walks further into the room, Alex following him. Weird how Alex hates him yet wants him to be our agent.

The song sadly comes to an end and it is dead silent in the apartment. "What is the matter with you?" John gestures at me as he walks towards me. I walk backwards hitting my back against a kitchen counter.

I gulp as he is now standing right in front of me, feeling his breath on my face. "Take a shower and meet Alex and I in the lobby." he rolls his eyes then walks off. I want to scream right then and there.

I hate myself for loving him.

I want to cry because I am now brought back to reality and reality is like getting cut in half by a saw.

I shove past Alex towards the bathroom. I hear him follow me and I roll my eyes. "Oh yeah, you hate him huh?" I grunted, "I-" I interrupt him, "Yet you follow him around like a puppet." I exclaim as I aggressively grab a towel.

"He is our agent, and I can't treat him with disrespect." he explained. I nod my head with annoyance, "Well I want you to, I actually want to fire him." I shrug taking off my shirt not having a care in the world if Alex sees me in my bra or not.

He just stands there staring at me with no expression. I stare back, "We can't fire him." he says lowly now looking down.

"And why not?" I then realize I am only in my underwear because I only had a long shirt on and no pants. I widen my eyes at the thought, I wrap the towel around me feeling a little too exposed right now.

He clears his throat now looking directly at me, "He already has done a lot for us and we are doing better than ever. It's the first time in a while that we are actually making progress." he pleads.

I nod in agreement. "Okay whatever." I wave him off hoping he will just walk out but he doesn't.

"Are you going to be okay? Are you okay?" he gives me a concerned expression. "Of course. I am fine." I assure him. "Now go, I will be down in 15 minutes." I tell him.

***

I am now walking out the elevator door heading towards the lobby as I see Alex and John suddenly standing up to face me.

"What's going on?" I ask the two men I am having sticky situations with. "John is introducing us to a new agent that we may want to hire to update." Alex tells me giving me a look. John nods at Alex's words.

"It's what most beginner's go through in the singing career. I am the start and the guy I am introducing to you guys will be your guys' official starting line." he explains.

I nod, "Well alright then." I smile slightly. I saw him making out with another girl. I quickly take my eyes off John to a wall. I cannot get those words out of my head.

"Okay we should go now." John admits looking at his watch. We all then walk out to his car.

I sit in the spot I usually have always sat in; John shuts my door for me. I suddenly feel dizzy as I see stars. My concert is tonight. Tomorrow is the 10th day.

It is way too much. It may not sound much, but emotionally it feels like I am being blown up by a volcano.

I press the tip of my fingers into my forehead. I suddenly have a pounding headache making me feel nauseous.

I try to ignore the feeling and think of a sunflower field as my eyes close. I think of me in a white sundress flowing through the wind. Me barefoot, my red hair moving swiftly through the wind as I feel the ground from beneath. I see myself running through a sunflower field with a clear blue sky. My feet getting dirtier and dirtier by every step as my hands run along sunflower stems. It smells of nature.

Although the small daydream was making me feel better it went by too fast as I heard the car stop and hear John said, "We're here." I groan quietly when I open the door.

The building standing in front of me is intimidating, big, the design is dark and beautiful.

I have always loved to admire and observe buildings as well as houses; mostly houses.

The three of us walk in, everything is a blur and I feel deaf right when we walk in, I have this weird feeling inside me. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere.

Everything is fake, what John feels for me is fake, the deal is fake. Our love is fake.

I run out the building. Yes, I know very dramatic and stupid, but I don't know myself anymore.

I realize something that I wish I never would have. I don't want to be a singer. I don't want this. And it makes me feel guilty because in my head it is telling me that I dragged Alex with me out here for nothing.

New York is secretly telling me I have a different purpose. I know that's weird, but when I am here, it makes me feel different in a way that I should change myself.

That a singing career is not what is right for me, even though I love singing. God, I hate myself.

"Lillian!" John yells at me from a distance. I turn around and see him running to me. "Lillian what are you doing?" he shakes his head.

"I fell in love with you. Happy? You got what you wanted. I fell for you. My elbows and knees on concrete and everything." my voice barely makes it out, but I can tell he heard it all.

"Tonight, I am going to sing like I never have. Tonight, will be my last concert. Tonight, I know what my question will be for you tomorrow." I tell him standing still as possible.

"I don't care if Alex saw you making out with some other girl, I don't know, but I don't care, and I still trust you." I squint my eyes from the sun, "I love you, John." I shrugged. Okay I really must be stupid.

John grins down at me not knowing what to do as I notice from his body language. First thing he does is hugs me. I take him all in and smile like a stupid teenager.

I hug him back wrapping my arms around his neck as his hands are around my waist. His head is cuddled into my neck as my head is pressed his chest.

We stay like this for a while. And I don't care, I love it. I love him and his presence. I love it all. I love the way he makes me feel.

We finally break apart gazing into each other's eyes. I see a figure behind John and its Alex shaking his head in disbelief. He walks off into the other direction.

I feel my eyes dart from one thing to another, I don't know what to do. I cannot lose my best friend like this. I am trying to move but I can't get myself to do so.

I let him go. I don't know why I just do. I am such a horrible person, and I am letting it happen. Why?