affectionate

8

FALLON

Christmas was nearing and with it came the small town holiday cheer that I always enjoyed. The town square was filled with red, green, and gold decorations. Storefronts had wreaths hung on the fronts of their doors and cute candy canes painted on their windows along with Christmas movie characters like Frosty the snowman or Rudolf. Fairy lights were strung all throughout the streets and twinkled brightly as soon as the sun and blue sky went their separate ways and made room for the night. A tree stood tall in the middle of town and it was decked head to toe with sparkly ornaments and a big glistening star. The smell of evergreen, cinnamon, and baked goods danced through the air at what seemed like all times during the day. These days, I opted for walking to school as opposed to taking my car just so I could breathe in the delicious aromas and take in the festive decorations.

I loved Christmas. It was the only time my family actually felt like a family and being around them felt warm and real. We always decorated our house too, the front would be plastered with lights and inside a fluffy evergreen tree would be posted up in the living room drenched in homemade decorations from my youth and tinsel. The banister on the stairs would be wrapped in evergreen garlands and the house forever smelled like cinnamon, cranberries, and oranges.

It was still like this, my mother made it her mission to decorate and bring in the holiday spirit with open arms every year. That would never change. However, gone was the overwhelming surge of affection that I felt in my bones when I spent time with my family this year.

Classes were over for the time being, the winter semester of my last year was over and I could only pray that I passed my exams with flying colors. Work was as slow as ever and probably wouldn't pick up again until new year's when everyone was going to parties and needed cheap liquor and snacks. That led to the store closing early during the week and me getting my hours cut. Under different circumstances I would've been ecstatic. Less time at work and more time at home to indulge in my silly hobbies. However, ever since that conversation I begrudgingly had with my parents, the tension inside my house was almost unbearable. I walked on eggshells around my father and tried not to breathe too much around him. It was unsettling knowing that he could basically smell everything and everywhere I went. Nothing I did went unnoticed and I wondered for how long he had been doing this.

My mother, strangely enough, was avoiding me. It should've been the other way around but it wasn't. If anything, I tried to seek her out as much as possible. I needed more answers and I knew they weren't telling me the whole truth, only the parts that they felt were important for me to know. I wanted to talk to her, but she was crumbling under her guilt for lying and spelling me, another fact that uncovered itself. I was a bit hurt when I realized that the gentle touch to my hand was not for comfort, but to keep me sedated through a spell, one that made it impossible for me to move or speak. I also realized that she spelled me asleep that night in my room as well. I was over it, all of it. But my mother was not and it was putting a strain on our already rickety relationship.

With my mother on the brink of self deprecating tears every five seconds and my father believing that our problems were solved and there was nothing to be discussed, I, oddly enough, had the freedom that a twenty year old woman should have. My parents weren't breathing down my neck and I'd be stupid not to use this to my advantage.

I was at home but dinner wasn't for another couple of hours so I decided to take a nature walk. It was cold but I didn't mind it so much anymore and the woods were perfect this time of the year since the brush was so bare and dead. There was a perfect little trail near the college that I walked all the time during the summer but stopped because school was getting serious and then it got cold and I needed time to adjust to it. I was wearing thin leggings that were hidden underneath a thick pair of blue jeans. Two pairs of socks were pulled snug over my feet along with an old pair of converse. My black puffer hugged my body and a woolen scarf snaked around my neck. White earmuffs covered my ears but I was debating on taking them off because they were messing with my earrings and irritating my ears. The thought was tempting but the gust of cold wind that hit me as soon as I opened the front door quickly changed my mind.