the wall between us, james beaufort

chapter nine.

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i was thankful the same woman who helped me put on this dress followed me to take it all off. i wasnt so sure i would be so gentle have i done it myself.

fumbling down the stairs back in my normal clothes, and at my normal pace with my converse, i realized they hadnt felt as suffocating as earlier today. i could suddenly breath clearer than i had all day.

turning the corner towards the front entrance, i heard james and his dad harshly speaking to each other in a room beside it. but i didnt even turn my head, and bolted out of the estate.

the same driver and limo that drove us here still sat out front, and he stood waiting for me.

i finally let out one big scoff, which was really made up of about ten i had wanted to do in there, "im taking the train."

the man nodded, and i just about ran away from him.

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my alarm startled me on monday, maybe because i had been dreading it.

for the rest of my weekend, i ignored all the texts asking about how the estate was or time with james. what would i say?

that it was great for the first few hours, until james facade faded? until he humiliated me for even believing he had changed? that his father practically made me feel like a poor girl in a royal dress, acting as foolish as a maid just looking at a throne? that i had to sprint to every train that got me back home, it being the busiest part of the day, i barely made it to each stop in time. made it home much late into the evening. and laid in bed, wide awake in rage, much later.

i had rode there in sparkling limos with bright eyes, and begged for the tears not to show in front of city commoners on the way back.

i had begun my day with hope, hope that things could be different. and had ended it settled on the fact that it never would.

i clicked off my alarm, and trudged my way to school.

but as i walked into the school doors, i realized the nightmares hadn't stopped at my morning alarm.

my head full of different ways to avoid, get revenge on, or kill james beaufort, i hadnt noticed all the snickering right away... but there was enough of it, it was almost patiently waiting until i had come to a little. i finally picked up my eyes, an action not usually done in the hallways of maxton, to find everyone elses on me.

my heart dropped.

had my presence at the beaufort estate become public knowledge?
had james told them he had gotten me to play dress up and then humiliated me in front of his parents?

our last words yesterday echoed in my mind.

"i guess we have both experienced things no ones ever seen before...

you."

then, i realized that my biggest fear was now in the hands on my most hated enemy.

had james told them about the cassie that he saw?

as soon as i turned the corner to the main hall, cursing the day and any thought that had started this all, the answers to all of my questions was given in just a look upwards.

just above where the two staircases that wrapped around the entrance met, a banner as tall as three of me hung.

and me, standing in that pink dress, just in front of james in that blue suit, stood side by side. displayed for all to see, for all to gawk at, and for all too know just the cassie james was with the other day.

james hadnt decided to tell the whole school just which one, he showed them. in a bright pink and gold kind of way, too, the worst kind.

words elegantly welcomed viewers to the event just under our feet, and i finally let my gasp out as i read them.

more laughs echoed the hall as it was seen i had noticed it, and the tears, just like on saturdays evening train, forced their way out of me.

"cassie!" a voice at my side startled me, and i flinched at a cheerful ruby, "we've all been texting you! how did saturday go-" i couldnt even focus on what she was saying as my eyes were magnetized back to this banner, and hers followed mine.

"oh my gosh." she hushed, and before i could find out what emotion she had put behind them, i was shoving my way out of that school.

pushing backpacks and stepping on shiny heels, i muttered no apologies as i b-lined it for the door. snarky remarks were made, swears were thrown, looks were given... but i ignored it all. focusing more on keeping my breakfast down, at the moment.

finally making it out a breezeway between buildings, i heaved the fresh air into my lungs. my ankles felt wobbly, and i forced myself to slow down my stride. i squeezed my eyes, forcing air in my lungs and for my rapid thoughts to slow.

i think a mental health day was long overdue.

"cassie," i both hated the next voice i had heard, and what it had made me do.

the past few minutes in school, i was able to hear voices but ignore them. hear my name but not stop moving.

i had been that way for years now. like i was classically trained.

suddenly, james beaufort didnt have that effect on me anymore.

i peered my head around my shoulder, looking at him over it, and glared, "stay away from me." and began walking again.

"whats wrong?"

i had to look again, ready to see a smirk or amused expression covering his face. but he just stood there.

"im done with your games." i fully spun around, facing him with my wet face and clenched fist.

james had already seen, now, two versions of me, why not one more.

but this, this cassie right here, was the realist one he'd ever see. i swore it to myself.

"you get me all dressed up, knowing that that was the greatest way to expose me. but not just in front of your parents, the school too." i scoffed at him, glaring through tears i wished would dry up, but still through them i saw james face fall, "dont act like you dont know what's wrong."

"cassie," he slowly put his hands up, what he was surrendering i wasnt sure, "yesterday was-"

"yesterday was a mistake." i barked back, "just for pictures," i scoffed, and laughed, but not in a funny way, "it wasn't worth it."

he stepped back slightly, swallowing hard, "cassie, you looked incredible in that dress."

i scoffed, "your compliments mean nothing to me anymore." i lowered my eyes, "you want to know all my secrets, but i think we actually share a few. we both put up faces at school, and our real ones show at home. yours - around your parents." i looked him up and down, and my eyes hurt from glaring for so long, so hard, "everything else is just a lie."

again, he just stared.

"why did you want to know all my secrets," i spat, "so you could just plaster all you learned all over the school?"

"cassie, no-"

"asking me why i try not to stand out here, noticing ive never worn heels before and forcing me in them-"

"for a poster! cassie!" he interrupted me, settling his jaw, "this was all for the event, and i thought you'd see that." he huffed, out of breath, "why is this so important to you?"

it was in that moment that, even if he had tried, james beaufort had not understood me at all. hadnt even gotten to know a single thing about me.

and even though that led him to make my worst nightmare become real, it was enough to satisfy me. satisfy me enough to stop what should have never started in the first place.

"i think it'd be better if we went back to the way things were before."

"before." it came out in an exhale, i almost didnt catch it. i also didnt know if it was formed as a question or a statement, but it told me he had heard me.

and that was enough to walk away.