the wall between us, james beaufort

chapter ten.

——•◦ஓ๑◦◦◦◦இ◦◦◦◦ஓ๑•◦——

i rushed into my speech and debate class, now running late because i had to clean myself up after talking with james.

crying in the halls at maxton, now that was an unknown activity for me. i felt lost, like the whole world was shaking, in the bathroom stall i managed to find for myself.

i felt exposed, like i was naked, running around maxton with all of my cards showing and my walls down. but really, it was just tears. it was just true emotion, but that was like my diary to these students. never shown, never even thought about.

flash backs of a night where i felt even more exposed came flooding back to me. somebody elses words, somebody elses hands... that had made me feel this same way.

and, ironically, they werent too far off from the culprit this time.

somehow, i had let it happen again. let people like james beaufort tear down my walls, get a taste of my secrets, of the real me, and was left feeling the harsh consequences.

i thought this had ended years ago. i wished it had.

but by tonight, i would find my life going completely full circle. it world become the closest to that one dreaded night i've been since it happened, and i swore everything that had gotten me there off. only the beginning of my nightmare was found in that bathroom stall.

once the ground stopped shaking, i stumbled into class, and people catcalled me as i took my seat.

james, who unfortunately i shared this period with, sat down at his desk too. his head was tilted down though, eyes lost in what i guessed was thought. this hidden, quiet look was also not seen too much on him around these school walls.

we both werent really ourselves today.

"ms bodart, the class and i were just discussing about our upcoming speech exam." the teacher smiled over at me, seeming to relish in the fact that i was late and wanting to humiliate me further, i nodded slowly, "would you like to give a demonstration to the class?"

i think i felt my face go white.

"we will be asking each other questions from the questionarres passed out in yesterdays class," she spoke more towards the class and i slowly rose from the chair, and brought myself over to the front of class.

i had to force my ankles to work properly, and my lungs. suddenly, nothing was involuntary anymore. walking and breathing were effortful tasks.

i think the teacher noticed my nerves, "its not everyone's thing to be center of attention, but staying cool and collected can be learned through practice." she sent me a reassuring smile, and looked at the class to give me a trial run.

i took a deep breath.

im pretty sure the questionaries were filled with simple, ice breaker, questions. to start off the year getting to know each other, i guess?

more of my living nightmare.

"where do you plan on going to college," a girl rose her hand, and spoke kindly, "after maxton?"

but no matter how soft or kind her wording was, i could barely hear her. my heart was pumping through my ears and my chest felt heavy. all i could see was that freaking poster, hanging in the entry way of maxton hall. the eyes staring at me now reminded me of all the similar ones following me out to the breezeway.

and then james' eyes, peering up for just a second, met with mine. and i was brought back to the breezeway, back to the face he'd made when he told me i looked beautiful in the pictures, and when i asked for things to go back to the way they were.