Me VS The World

Chapter 5: The Coming of an End

Its a normal thing for people to regret some of the stupid mistakes they made in life; as you might presume, I did too.

That didn't matter, though; I had found new ways of bandaging my emotional wounds. I had new friends, and that only mattered in my life. Oh, and I didn't have time to stay where I didn't feel appreciated, so I jumped jobs like nobody's business. I finally landed a job at a new call center in Umhlanga (job number 3) in 3 years (yeah, I was untouchable.)

Moreover, I was now exposed to not just any UK clientele but motor insurance, so that wentover my head, but I left after a few months. Positively, though, I got to know a lot ofwonderful people. To my amazement, Nomfundo "SoS," a friend of mine who is also aCancerian, was quite knowledgeable about chakras, the Law of Attraction, and the power ofthe mind. Beyond the obvious fact that we were both Cancerians, we clicked right away fora deeper, invisible reason

I'm not trying to justify my jumping ships, but back then, I didn't know any better; I failed to appreciate my parents and my gifts (and talents.) I wish you could try to point me in the right direction!

* * *

By 2022, I had moved out of home and was now living with Herbert Scheubmayr founder and owner of Jamesons Bar which operated at the Chelsea Hotel, Catherine Avenue, Hillbrow/Berea, during the 1980s, in Johannesburg, South Africa. Jamesons Bar moved to Durban and operated as LA Renaissance Restaurant, then Jam & Sons, and finally, Jamesons Pub, located between Smith & Gardener Street in Durban. Jamesons Pub became known as the hub of live performances & bands and later took the storm in the whole of the Durban area.

I was not only living with Hebert as someone who needed a place to stay as home was no longer conducive, but as a close friend and employee. I would do a stock take on an everyday basis, handle all things technical, and later on, find out that I had a passion for digital marketing. As a result, I completed an online course to become a skilled digital marketing strategist. After completing my online course in digital marketing, I took an online course for a diploma in psychology and passed that with ease.

Everything was running smoothly until I had too much to drink one day and smashed Herberts car so badly (it had to remain on Jamesons Pub grounds for months.) I landed another call center job, outsourcing a cruise line, originally from Basel, Switzerland, with marketing headquarters in Los Angeles, California.

We operated in North and South America, the Caribbean, Antarctica, the Great Lakes, Europe, Russia, Egypt, China, and Southeast Asia with our three cruise line divisions: Ocean, River, and Expedition.

I once again made another stupid decision instead of utilizing my newly found employment to my favor, saving up to pay for the damages, fell into the trap of using drugs (Xanax), and went crashing. In a nutshell, Herbert kicked me out of his apartment, which was rightfully the wise thing to do. Eventually, I stopped helping out at Jamesons Pub.

I mean, Sinegugu "Mkhaya" has been my support through my difficult and soul-searchingdays. How can I leave her behind? Talk about a wild soul, but overall, she showed me that itis possible to find family in this world, even if they are not related. She has saved me frommyself so many times that I could never count. Regardless of how long we would beseparated, getting back together seems like the sweetest taboo. 

* * *

I had given up on life as we know it and believed I saw no reason to live. As you recall, I discussed our minds play tricks on us at the opening of this book, assuming that it does that to keep us safe. My lifestyle at the time forced me to make changes, and my heart finally turned into a beast that even my parents could not recognize.

You know when you are trying to hold on and manage your life, but it seems as if life itself keeps throwing jabs at you? Yeah, I was there, and its not a place I would want anyone else to be.

2023 came as we knew it, and I decided to take a breather from work and amend some of the relationships I had messed up previously. Most importantly, I wanted to return to my ARVs and be consistent in that routine.

We connected instantly when I caught up with my ex-friend, turned girlfriend. A week before my birthday in July, we decided to give ourselves a chance, and I thought, I found the one and chose to disclose my HIV status to her. How I ought to have handled Siwe.

I dont know what got over me, but I felt my life was no longer worth it, I was depressed, and I attempted my second suicide attempt (luckily she found me right in time.)

Later, when I began to question her commitment, she unexpectedly confided in me, saying that, among other things, my unemployment made her feel like I was too much to handle. Some of her words pierced through my heart, but what was at the core of my pain was that I felt less of a man because her words made me inferior in every way possible, a contributing factor being my status.

I don't know if its because my parents are hardcore Christians or perhaps I was given some supernatural powers (chuckles.) I can sense someone's aura and a change in the environment (spiritually.) I discovered that she had an affair with another man. I asked her about it countless times, and she eventually was forthcoming with me.

I forgave her, as far as she knew, but my heart was no longer in the relationship. One thing I don't forgive is cheating because I am disgusted with the thought, so someone doing it to me is beyond what I can bear. I know what you might be thinking right now, but Siwe, I know.

* * *

Moreover, I found a job as a radio personality at a community radio station in mid-December 2023. I worked as a digital marketing strategist and a radio presenter. Lend a helping hand to the radio station with ad hoc duties such as voice-overs, music production, sound engineering, and graphic design.

In February 2024, I decided to work more on growing my digital marketing agency while sticking to my regular monthly visits to the doctor for my medication. I worked on obtaining a laptop to employ for my clients, and in March 2024, my romantic relationship became a thing of the past. To be above board, I didn't get bumped as I thought I resorted to.

After 12 years of everyday smoking, I took control of my health by quitting my smoking habits. Alcohol included.