Me VS The World

Chapter 7: Letters To My Loves

A letter to MY MOTHER

Mom. Where can I begin?

I mean, no one can ever understand nor grasp the level of love I have for you, not because you're my mom but because you love me that much, I believe so much in reciprocating energies, especially feelings associated with love.

This book (letter) aims not to show the world how much of an emotional wreck I am or even the deepest secrets our family holds.

Rather, it's an invitation to any reader, to see how much your prayers, ever since I was born, have made me the tough cookie I am today.

With that said, there are some things I wish you could have done differently, as a parent, more especially as a mother.

As I said at the beginning of this book, using some of your mistakes as my principles is one of my coping mechanisms in life, and always has been.

Please don't take anything I said personally in the book (still yet to say.) In our IsiZulu language, we say, (Ngizowakha, angizile ukuzobhidliza) translated to (I'm here to amend, not tarnish things) in English.

My status mom. Ive waited 26 years for you to talk to me about it, or at least from 2009. I mean, some of the choices Ive made, have been influenced by how Ive seen the world from my teen years till date. I expected you to be able to talk to me at least about how I came to have this disease in the first place. I know you've been beating yourself up about it, trust me, its been worse for me.

Regardless, I don't want to put everything into my status and make this about it, the decisions I've made in life weren't ALL driven by that.

I have been more foolish in my decisions than I can count,

More sloppy with my relationships than how I was taught,

That's certainly not how you and Granny raised me,

And for that, I am deeply sorry.

Moreover, I have seen how sloppy you have been with our relationship, as mother and son.

I hear from other people that you are disappointed in me, for DEFAULTING my medication, what medication mom?

Even worse from my father that I have DEFAULTED for +/- 10 years.

Honestly, that was painful to hear, not even a hint of how you were mad at me for that.

I mean, as far as I know, you've never played the part of explaining the reason why I started ARVs, ever.

I would have understood.

I wouldn't wish anyone, related or not, to go through the hardships I've gone through.

I'm this grown, emotionally and spiritually because of you and Granny and I am appreciative.

The sacrifices you've had to make previously have turned out to be blessings, trust me on that.

In as much as I wont dwell that much into what we have been through, together.