The Supernova Effect

Part 5: The Black Bird Soars High

"The black bird soars high
hoping to find the supernova,
soon the bird will realize
that its wings weren't meant
to fly that high and the star
it dreamed of  was
closer to earth than sky."

Daisuke
(Japan five years ago)

"o-kuyami moushiagemasu."

That phase roughly translates to, "I offer my condolences." A solace phrase I've heard a million times today. With no true depth behind it. Why did he have to die? After everything, he's just some ashes in a vase.

I didn't want to admit it, but I was devastated. I tried so hard to be angry and resentful towards him but I couldn't. I wanted him to stop drinking, not die. If I had to get beat every day for him to live, I would endure it.

I can't help but think that everything is my fault. It's my fault he died. That he was a drunk because of me and that he beat me because I wasn't good enough to be his son.

Once this funeral is over I was gonna go be with my father. If he dies I should too, I deserve it, don't I? There is nothing left here for me, my mother didn't care about me. She cared more  about her appearance rather than her actual son.

No one would care if I died, I know it. I was a lone blackbird without a flock, no one to care for me and I was ready to fly high. The possibility of death never scared me; it can't be any worse than living the life I'm living now. Death is just one part of life waiting at everyone's doorstep.

I stole my mom's sleeping pills from when she had insomnia from traveling so much. A drug overdose was the best way to go, quiet and painless.

After my dad died me and my mom moved to Japan her home country since she no longer had a reason to stay in Korean. And we ended up having his funeral in Japan due to my dad's side of the family not wanting anything to do with us anymore after the accident.

As I walked into the oversized Japanese style mansion my skin gets chills it was quiet and dark void of any life. This unfamiliar house always made me feel so alone.

"I'll be in my room if you need me." My mom says walking past me not bothering to spare me a glance.

I wish I had a hand to hold as I passed on, but I knew I was going to die alone just like my father. I run upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom and pull the pills out of my pocket, I empty the bottle, pouring the six pills in my hand. 

"I dry-swallowed all six pills at once, the bitterness scraping down my throat like regret."

...
Hana
I groaned as I sat up out of my bed. My head was pounding from crying so much. I had to hold back my tears since the funeral and when I finally got home my sorrow consumed me. I never was allowed to cry in public. My parents did not allow me to. The hire to the Yasuda group could not be viewed as weak and sensitive. I always had to be strong, I could not afford to be pitted. Eyes were on me all the time, watching my every move to make sure I didn't make a mistake. I worked hard to build this facade of poise and pristine.

And the only person that knew that I was a fraud was ji-young, my husband. He understood me like no one else. He was the only one that treated me like a human being and not a pawn to sell off. Because he knew how it felt to be constantly watched and controlled.

He treated me so kindly, even though he never loved me romantically, he told me he had someone else in his heart but that didn't stop me from hoping for more. Praying that one day he would love me the way I did him. But that didn't happen, and now that day will never come.

I felt so overwhelmingly alone and I had no one I could confide in.

I slowly get out of bed and walk over to the bathroom. I look through the medicine cabinet trying to find some headache medicine to calm the storm in my mind. Once I found it, I noticed that my sleeping pills that I always sat next to it were missing.

Maybe Daisuke took them to help him sleep tonight. I lay back down hoping that the medicine would kick in soon but I couldn't shake the fact that something felt wrong. Let me just go check if he's asleep.

I sigh as I walk to Daisuke's room, I feel so exhausted and walking around this huge empty house did not help.

"Did you take my sleeping pills?" I ask as I open Daisuke's room door, but his bed is empty.  I look around and see that his bathroom light was on.

"Daisuke?" I knocked but there was no answer.

"Daisuke?" I yelled, trying to open the door but it was locked.

"Daisuke, I'm not in the mood for jokes, open the door, now!" I yelled angrily,but there still was no answer.

A million alarms sound in my head and I start to imagine the possibilities that he could have taken too many. No, there has to be another reason why he's not answering.

I panic as I feel my adrenaline kick in, I start pushing on the door as hard as I could until it finally gives.

I looked down in horror at the scene in front of me and the breath in my lungs felt like it was being stomped out of me.

He was on the floor, his body was limp and his skin was pale and sweaty,  "NO!" I scream as I run over to him, I find my empty pill bottle clutched in his hand.

"No, no I can't lose you too!" I cry out holding him in my arms. I dial the emergency number explaining what happened in panic sobs. "Please, come now! my so- son , my son is dying, he took too many pills!"

"Okay ma'am, I need you to stay calm, can you give me your address?" She asks, and I take a deep breath as I give the operator my address.

"Ok got it, can you check his pulse for me?" The operator asks.

"Yes." I say my voice cracking as I reach to touch his neck. "I can feel his pulse, but it isn't strong." I told the operator.

"Okay, the ambulance is almost there. Everything's going to be okay," She reassures me.

Suddenly his body starts to shake uncontrollably, and his mouth starts foaming. He was having a stroke, "Stay with me, my baby you're all I have please don't die." I sob uncontrollably as I hold him up trying to make sure he doesn't choke.

I could hear the ambulance outside, and I start yelling for help trying my best to carry him out of the bathroom. The paramedics took him from me, sitting him on the stretcher and I followed them into the ambulance.

Everything moved so fast from the ambulance alarm ringing in my ears to combined with the sound of the def as the paramedics try to shock him back to life. The gentle push the doctors gave me as they told me I couldn't go any further with him into the operating room.

•••••

"Miss Lee?" The doctor says walking into the waiting room.

"Yes." I say standing up wiping the tears from my eyes.

"I'm happy to tell you that your son is okay. He's recovering in the private suite on floor 3." The doctor says and I let out a sigh of relief.

"Can I see him now?"

"Yes, but with cases like this I have to report it, in case there are any issues going on at home."

"My son made a mistake, but I'll be damned if the world gets to judge him for it. My family pays good money to keep this hospital running. I don't need a case like this getting out to the press, do you understand?" I say sternly.

After Ji-young's accident my family could not afford another indict to taint our reputation. And I can't let my family find out about this, they would throw a fit, I have to keep this a secret.

"Yes ma'am I apologize."

"If anyone asks, say he's here for appendicitis. If my father catches wind of this, I'll be the next one on life support."

"Yes ma'am no need to worry."

I nod walking away. When I got to his hospital room the sight of my son's sickly body in a hospital bed with an oxygen tank over his mouth brought me to tears all over again.

I closed the door making sure no one could see me. Why would he do something like this? I couldn't imagine what I would have done if he died.

"Oh my poor baby." I cry out holding onto his hand. I pray I can stay strong for the both of us.