The Supernova Effect

Part 5: The Black Bird Soars High

"The black bird soars high
hoping to find the supernova,
soon the bird will realize
that its wings weren't meant
to fly that high and the star
it dreamed of was
closer to earth than sky."

Daisuke
(Korea, five years ago)

"Samga goin-ui myeongbok-eul bimnida."

I  pray for the deceased's peace.

I'd heard the phrase so many times today that the words no longer sounded real anymore.

Just scripted sympathy.

Empty politeness wrapped in expensive black clothing.

After everything—

My father was reduced to ashes inside a vase.

And I hated myself for being devastated over it.

I tried so hard to stay angry at him.

To remember the drinking.

The anger.

The bruises.

But despite everything...

I never wanted him dead.

I wanted him sober.

I wanted him alive.

If enduring his violence meant he could still breathe tomorrow—

I would've endured it forever.

The guilt sat inside me like poison.

Maybe it really was my fault.

Maybe I wasn't good enough to be his son.

Maybe loving me ruined his life.

The thoughts repeated endlessly while mourners bowed respectfully around me.

After my father's funeral, my mother moved us back to Japan.

Her home country.

There was nothing left for us in Korea anymore.

My father's family wanted nothing to do with us after the accident.

To them, Ji-Young's death was an embarrassment.

A stain on the family name.

So we left.

And now we lived in this massive unfamiliar mansion that never truly felt alive.

It was too quiet.

Too cold.

Too empty.

"I'll be in my room if you need me," my mother says while walking past me without looking in my direction.

I watch her disappear upstairs.

And somehow that hurts worse than silence.

I wished someone would hold my hand before I died.

But deep down—

I already knew I would leave this world the same way I lived in it.

Alone.

The possibility of death never scared me.

It couldn't possibly be worse than living like this.

Death was just another part of life waiting patiently at everyone's doorstep.

Earlier that week, I stole my mother's sleeping pills after finding out she had insomnia from traveling too much.

A drug overdose seemed quiet.